ELLE
Iclimb into the back seat of Lola’s car without any chance for discussion. Sitting in the back will make it easier to ignore both of them.
I sit behind the passenger seat, figuring Lola will need to keep her eyes on the road and it would be unsafe for Mabel to turn completely around to talk to me.
My sisters climb into the car, both looking apologetic but I stop both of them before they can utter a word.
“Don’t. I don’t care and don’t want to hear it.”
I put my headphones in before either of them can respond. I take my jacket, bunch it up and use it as a pillow, it’s not great but maybe it will be enough to let me fall asleep. I need to calm down before I interact any more with my sisters.
Of course, sleep refuses to take me under.
Instead, my mind ping pongs between thinking about the weird interaction with Loop yesterday and my siblings conspiring against me.
My stomach flips. I hate that this action reminds me of how Loop treated me while we were dating. Forcing me into situations that I don’t want to be in.
Trying to change me.
I know—I know—that’s not what Mabel and Lola’s intentions were but it still hurts. It makes me feel like I’m not enough.
Again.
It took a long time for me to pull myself out of the mindset that there was something wrong with me because I didn’t want to go out or smile or swear less. It took me even longer to build up the courage to leave Loop when he continued to push on my boundaries.
Our break-up wasn’t the worst break-up in history but it was still hard. Loop refused to believe I wanted to end our relationship.
How could I?
I’d never be able to find someone else who would put up with my negative outlook. No one would want to be with someone who would make a sailor blush with how often they cursed.
If anyone showed me any interest, it would be because of my last name or my family’s wallet. Never just for me.
I’d taken all he said with the smallest reaction I could muster. I refused to show him how his words were some of my biggest fears.
No, I took it all and left him. Never speaking with him again until he became the Farm’s accountant.
I tried to keep the words out of my heart but it didn’t happen. They burrowed down and poisoned my heart—turning into the old black rock that it was now.
It also settled my resolve. I’d rather be alone and be myself than make myself into something I’m not to become more likable for others.
Chapter Sixteen
PATRICK
This car ride is awkward.
It’s so obvious that we had both been hoping to ride with a Warren sister. I know I don’t want to dive into any of those feelings right now, so I don’t question him. As Jude enters the highway, he flips on the radio, it’s low but better than the sounds of our breathing being the only sound in the cab.
Google told me that it’s about a two hour drive.
I’m extra glad for the music, knowing I would have spewed some word vomit if we sat in silence for that long. It’s still dark out but I take the opportunity to take in the state I’m now calling home. I’ve only been officially living in Utah for just over a week but haven’t really been anywhere outside of my apartment and the Farm.
It’s a beautiful state.
After I had applied for the job at the Farm, I did some research on the state and was slightly put off by how religious the state seemed to be but the nature exploration options overshadowed most of those concerns.
Five national parks, how could I say no to that?
