Somehow I knew exactly who was on the other side of that door.I pressed a hand to my chest, willing my pulse to slow.And then I put on my big girl pants and opened the door.
“Hey,” Paxon said.His hair was damp, a few strands sticking to his forehead.He shoved his hands into his jacket pockets, shoulders tight.“Can I come in?”
All my instincts said no, but I stepped back anyway.
He entered looking like he was preparing to play soccer against his biggest rival.All stiff and cautious.His eyes flickered around the room as he rubbed at the back of his neck.
“I didn’t know if you’d be here or at Seth’s until I saw your car,” he said.
“Would you prefer I’d been at Seth’s?”I asked.
He grimaced and shook his head.“No.”He finally met my eyes.“This is preferred.I just wanted to talk.”
The words hit something inside of me I didn’t want to acknowledge.I nodded to the couch and claimed my own spot, making sure there was lots of space between us.
For a long time, neither of us said anything.The only sound was the wind breezing by the house.
He finally exhaled.“I should’ve told you sooner about what was going on.I know you already know the gist of it, but I just wanted to explain more.There’s this internship,” he said slowly.“It’s with a mental health outreach program based in Oregon.They work alongside a university that specializes in trauma counseling.My teacher recommended me for it.The chances were so low that I didn’t think I’d get in.I mean across the nation, they only pick ten people max.”
I swallowed hard.“But you did.”
“I did.”
My throat went dry.“So you’re leaving.”
He hesitated.“The internship itself is for the summer.And then if it goes well, I’m guaranteed a place in the full program, if I wish.”
The silence stretched thin.I stared at him, at the way he couldn’t meet my eyes.
“You’ve been planning this the whole time?”
“I wasn’t planning it.I was just thinking.And I really didn’t think I’d make it in.It was a long shot that frankly, I pushed out of my mind.Until I was accepted.”
“Thinking,” I repeated, my voice cracking.“Thinking and pretending it wasn’t an option.For months.While I’ve been trying to figure out why you won’t even look at me, why you don’t want to be around me.Why you needed all this space.”
“Cadie, I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he cut in, his voice soft but urgent.“I just don’t know how to handle all of this.You.Us.The guys.I keep thinking maybe if I stepped back, I could figure out—”
“You disappeared,” I snapped.“You stepped so far back that you disappeared.And you know that isn’t something I can deal with.After Justin doing that when he found out about his dad, you know I can’t deal with that.You’re not allowed to hide behind ‘I didn’t mean to.’You say you don’t know how to fix this, but you haven’t tried either.”
He flinched, his jaw tightening.“That isn’t fair.”
“Fair?”I laughed, but it was far too hollow, even for me.“You want fair?You left me hanging in limbo for months and now you’re standing here because what?You finally feel guilty enough to face me?”
“I’m here because I miss you!”he said sharply, voice breaking through the tension like glass shattering.“Because I can’t stop thinking about how bad I screwed this up.”
My chest squeezed painfully.His words were everything I wanted to hear, and yet, at the same time, they burned inside me.
“What do you want me to do?”I asked, standing now, the space between us closing too fast.“You want to say it’s okay?That I forgive you for trampling my heart and leaving me terrified of what you’re thinking and planning?Should I just kiss you and forget it all?”
Paxon got to his feet.“Cadence—”
I shook my head furiously as tears blurred my vision.“No.”My voice cracked, and I pushed him toward the door.He didn’t fight me.Didn’t even try to stop me.
He just stared, wide-eyed, looking like the boy I used to know and the stranger he’d become all at once.
I hated that it hurt so much to look at him.I hated that part of me still wanted him to stay.
So I pushed harder until his back hit the door.
