“There are lines he shouldn’t be crossing,” Seth said, frowning as he watched his friend.I could see the conflict in his gaze.He wasn’t sure what to do, no doubt feeling the same way that I did.Toby wasn’t going too far.But it still felt like he stepped over a line.
As if sensing my gaze, Toby looked over at us.His smile widened and he gave me a small wave.I lifted my hand in a halfhearted wave back, but my expression must not have matched the motion.His brows knitted together briefly before he was forced to turn his attention back to his partner.As the girl pulled him back into the rhythm of the music, my stomach churned.
I stood abruptly, needing air, needing space.
Everyone was too surprised to react as I pushed through the crowd, away from them and away from Toby and the jealousy.I went to the front, giving Tim a little wave, signaling that I was just stepping out.
He nodded in acknowledgment and went back to manning the door.I walked down away from the entrance and all the people, wrapping my arms around my chest.My jacket was too light to spend time standing around outside, but the bite of the cold air helped to clear my head.
It was so stupid to feel like this, but I couldn’t let it go.And I hated myself for it.
Toby didn’t do anything wrong.He was just dancing and having fun.The only thing I didn’t like was that I wasn’t that girl with him.I really wished I had been.
“Hey.”Toby’s tentative voice called out.I turned to face him.
He was standing there, hands shoved in his pants pockets as he fought against the cold.
“Hey,” I whispered, not able to add any volume to my response.My throat felt like it didn’t want to work.
His footsteps crunched against the dust of snow and ice on the sidewalk as he came closer, stopping only a couple feet away.He didn’t touch me, didn’t press, just stood there, waiting.
Normally, I was good with silence.I enjoyed it.But not in this case.Things were never silent when Toby was around.It was like he knew something was wrong, so he was being cautious.Toby wasn’t one to be cautious.Not like this.
I ended up breaking the silence first.“I needed some air.”
“Yeah, that’s what Seth told me.”There was a pause and then he asked, “Are you okay?”
An unbidden, bitter laugh escaped me as I shook my head.“Not really.”
He stepped closer, his voice steady and concerned.“What’s going on?Did something happen?”
I hesitated, chewing on my bottom lip.It’d be so easy to just bury it and pretend everything was perfectly fine.Years of practice had made me an expert.But the other part of me was tired of doing that.
I wasn’t in a situation where I needed to do that anymore.This wasn’t about my survival.This was just about me being...me.I guess.
And if there was one thing Dr.Arason was always trying to instill in me, it was about opening up.No longer holding in my emotions.
“I didn’t like it,” I said quietly, turning to face him.“I saw it and it hit me and I know it’s stupid, but I really didn’t like it.”
Toby’s brows knitted together, confusion flickering across his face.“You mean the girl I was dancing with?”
I nodded, my throat tightening.“She...she was really pretty, Toby.And confident, and fun, and you guys were laughing, and—” I stopped, swallowing hard.“It just made me feel weird.Like maybe I wasn’t enough.Especially not for everyone.There just isn’t that much of me to begin with and then I’m supposed to what?Split that between the five of you?”
Once it dawned on Toby what I was talking about, his expression softened, his eyes filling with something between concern and regret.He closed the gap between us, his hands reaching out, but stopping just short of touching me, as if he wasn’t sure if he was allowed.
“Cadence,” he said gently.“She was just a girl.I don’t even know her name.I swear we were only dancing and there was no intention of anything else.In fact, while I was out there, another guy had been trying to force her, so I slipped in to dissuade him.Once he was gone, she wanted to keep dancing but didn’t want anyone to approach her.So I kind of played bodyguard for her until her friend came back from the bathroom.That’s it.I swear.I’m so sorry I made you feel bad.I would never do that to you.Ever.”
“I know that,” I admitted, my voice barely above a whisper.“I know you weren’t doing anything wrong.But watching you two just got to me.I couldn’t help it.I tried over and over to rationalize it, but nothing worked.”
Toby released a breath, clouding the space between us with wisps of air.He finally wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his warm body, chasing away some of the cold that’d seeped into me.The relief that flooded through me was immediate and grounding.I let myself lean against him, needing more of him.
“I can guess what gave you the idea that you aren’t enough.And I hate that those experiences have given you that kind of doubt, but you don’t see yourself like we do.You are enough.If anything, I’m not enough for you.None of us are.I’m not even sure if you have a mean bone in your body and you do so much for everyone else while doing so little for yourself.”His voice was low against my ear.“I don’t want anyone else.I don’t even see anyone else when I’m with you.”
Tears pricked at my eyes, and I blinked them away quickly.“I’m sorry I got jealous.I didn’t mean to overreact.”
Toby pulled back just enough to look at me.“You’re allowed to feel how you feel.But I need you to know there’s no competition, Cadence.You’re the only girl I ever met who’s been able to handle me.I’m not giving you up for something fleeting.Not when I have a chance at something so much more than that.”
His words were a soothing balm, smoothing the raw, rough edges of my insecurity.I nodded, a small smile breaking through the tension.“Thank you for saying that.”
