Dad was nice enough not to really comment on it, even if he drank more water than he normally did.
I still wasn’t really sure what to make of these weekly dinners.We talked about what we did throughout the week, and that was about it.Then we somewhat talked awkwardly with each other.It was still hard to connect with him or to really feel like he was someone I could depend on.But then again, being out of my life for so long didn’t make it easier for either of us.
Most days, I felt like I was still looking at a stranger.Other days, it really did feel like I had a father, someone I could lean on and talk to about different things.He’d evoke nostalgia in me, and all I wanted to do was crawl into his arms and cry.
“Did you find your studio space?”I asked.
“Actually, yeah.I received the keys this week, so I’ve been cleaning the place and getting it ready to set up.”
I poked at the too soft broccoli on my plate.“So you’re pretty much settled here?”
Dad flashed me a smile.“I am.”
I let that news finalize inside of me.In the back of my head, I kept waiting for that other shoe to drop and for Dad to all of a sudden tell me he was returning to Vegas and never coming back.Every update about him settling nearby pushed that fear back.Made it feel more permanent that he was in my life.
Yet, it wasn’t quite enough.Not yet.I wasn’t sure what was missing, but something was.I could only hope it was something that could be found.
“I’m currently looking at a house to buy, but I’m fully unpacked in my apartment now.And this is the perfect season to be in New York, so I have plenty of work to fill the studio with.I was thinking I’d do an opening in January with the artwork.I was also thinking of offering photography classes.”
“Right.”
“Cadence?”
I blew out a breath.“I graduate at the end of June.It’s only like half a year away.I don’t get it.”
“Get what?”
“You, settling here.Now,” I finally blurted out.
Dad placed his fork down and leaned back in his seat.He rubbed at his jaw briefly before responding.“This is your hometown.You have friends and family here.And I want to be where you’re most comfortable.”
“You don’t think I’ll just take off and never come back?”
“Do you?”he challenged.“Leaving a place with so many roots isn’t that easy to do.”
“You did it.”
He grimaced at my response.“I did a lot of stupid things.I was in a lot of pain after finding out about what your mother did.And I was angry and confused.I fucked up.”
I raised my eyebrow, never having heard him swear before.He gave me a small self-deprecating smile and a shrug.
“I left.You, Lindie, friends, my career here.Everything.And it sucked.It really, really sucked.”He bit his lip, looking down at his plate.“Yet, while it was easy to leave the way that I did, the hardest has been coming back.But coming back has also been the best decision I have ever made in a long time.I don’t think you’ll leave like I did.”
Until he said it, I hadn’t realized how right he was.Even after I graduated, I wouldn’t be able to leave what I built here.Seth was here, and the guys planned to stick around even while at college.Paxon’s family.Micah’s family.
“I used to imagine when I could leave here,” I said slowly, gathering my thoughts.“I’d graduate and never look back.But not anymore.There are too many people in my life who are here.People I want to keep in my life.I can’t walk away from them.I can’t imagine leaving them.”
“I really am sorry,” Dad said.
I shook my head.“Don’t.That wasn’t about you.”
Hurt crossed his expression and he swallowed hard.
“They’ve helped me in ways I can’t even begin to explain.I simply existed and then I met them and for once, things felt possible to me.Like my future opened up more than I ever thought.”I wiped at my face wondering why every time we had dinner together, it felt like it turned into a therapy session.I wondered what Dr.Arason would think about that.
“It sounds like you finally know what you want to do once you graduate?”
“I’m still looking into it, but it’s probably the only thing that has ever felt right to me.”
