My phone buzzed in my pocket, breaking me out of my dangerous thoughts.It was a text from Paxon letting me know he was outside now.
“All right, he’s here,” I said, helping Cal put on his coat and hat, and then his bookbag.By the time he was ready to go, he was all bundled up against the cold outside.Almost like a walking blue marshmallow.
I ended up opening the door before Paxon had a chance.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said, chuckling as he jumped slightly at the suddenness.
“It’s okay,” he replied, brushing it off, but there was something in his tone—something strained.
“Were you able to finish whatever you needed to?”I asked.
Usually, Paxon hung out with us during Calvin’s lessons, but today, he had dropped Calvin off and mentioned having to go do something for his dad.It had left both Calvin and me confused.
“What?”His brow furrowed for a moment before realization dawned on him.“Oh, right.Yeah.”He shook his head as if clearing away a thought.“Hey, Cal, go get in the car, I need to talk to Cadence for a sec.”
Calvin hesitated, his smile dimming as he glanced between us.“Okay,” he said quietly, giving me one last look before trudging through the snow that had fallen earlier today.
“What’s going on?”I asked, stepping closer to Paxon, ignoring the cold.Something wasn’t right.His posture was tense, his hands shoved deep into his coat pockets.“Are you okay?”I pressed.
I stopped as soon as he held up a hand, creating a physical barrier between us.The gesture hit me like a slap, and my heart dropped.My skin prickled with unease as he looked everywhere but at me.
“Paxon?”I said in a whisper.“I feel like I haven’t had a real conversation with you in a while.Is everyone okay?”
He finally met my eyes and I stilled.I knew that look.It was the kind of look that came with bad news, the kind that was already tying my stomach into knots before the words even came.
“I don’t think I can do this anymore.”
“What?”I asked, trying to understand what he meant.My gaze flickered behind him, toward the car where Cal was still putting his stuff away in the back seat.“Bringing Cal here for his lessons?I can pick him up too when you aren’t able.”
“No, no.”He looked back at his little brother.“Not that.”
My chest tightened as he obviously struggled to find the words.“Paxon, you’re scaring me.What’s going on?”
Paxon sighed heavily and finally met my gaze.I hadn’t realized how long it had been since he’d truly looked at me.But now, as I took in the clear grey of his eyes, it hit me—since Laurens’ attack, he hadn’t really looked at me.His grey eyes were swimming with tears and fear and other things I couldn’t name, making them look gloomy, on the verge of a bad storm.
“Paxon.”I reached out for him and grabbed his hand.He squeezed back, his grip tight and shaking.That had to mean something, right?He didn’t pull away from me.In a soft voice, I said, “Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out.”
Paxon opened his mouth and then closed it.He did it again.I waited, knowing he was trying to find words to whatever he wanted to voice.His hand shook even more in mine and then he finally pulled away from me as he burst out with his answer.“Us.I don’t think I can do us.You and me and the guys.I thought I could.I really did but then I see you kissing them and the dates and being intimate and I don’t think I can.It hurts, Cadence.I didn’t think it would, but it does.”He released a sob, tears falling down his cheeks as his words ripped me apart.
“You don’t want to date me anymore.”
He swallowed hard as he struggled to respond.“Not l-like this.No, I don’t think so.”
“You want to break up.”
His gaze dropped to the ground.“I don’t know.I’m scared, Cadence.I love you.I love the guys.I love hanging out with everyone.I’ve been happy with everyone and everyone is important to me.I don’t want to ruin that.I don’t want to lose anyone.”
“I...I don’t understand,” I whispered.I didn’t think the first time one of them said I love you to me was going to be while also breaking up with me.
He took a step back, reaching up and fidgeting with his beanie.“I need space.I need time to think.”
And just like that, he turned and walked away, leaving me standing frozen in the doorway, the cold winter air biting at my skin.Paxon’s figure blurred as tears filled my eyes.My hands trembled, fingers clenching into fists at my sides to stop them from shaking.
He didn’t even turn around.
I wanted to call after him, to make him stay and talk to me, but my voice caught in my throat.What was there to say?He needed space—he’d made that clear.
The sound of Calvin’s laughter floated faintly from the car, a huge difference from the storm that was raging inside of me.It took everything in me, but somehow, I managed to step back inside, closing the door behind me as if that would help stop the coldness Paxon’s words had left behind.
