“Aye.” He admitted that truth gruffly, crossing his own arms now, because he sensed where this was going, and he felt fairly certain that he was going to lose the argument.
“Need I expound upon the reasons it will be useful for you to learn at least the rudiments of letters, Damien?”
He would not answer. He scowled instead, feeling his hands tighten into fists. He did not want to do this. Hereallydid not want to. It wasn’t so much that he did not recognize the value of possessing such skills. They could be very useful, in fact. He had learned that firsthand, during his initial meeting with Edgar Charmand, Glenheim’s steward.
But the truth was that never having been considered important enough to be taught to read and write made Damien feel inferior. Deficient, somehow. It had not mattered as much in his youth, when he’d been naught but a simple knight battling to earn respect on the field and enough material reward to live comfortably. But from the moment he’d met Alissende, he had yearned for so much more. For things he could never have, by virtue of truths that were beyond his control.
His common blood and humble birth, for one.
But beyond all that, even, was a haunting fear that refused to let him give this idea of Alissende’s any real consideration. He could not escape it, for it was inside himself, prodding and needling him: What if he couldnotlearn properly, even if he tried? What if he was, as the gossips had insinuated, incapable of grasping this or any other art that belonged to the realm of true lords, being naught himself but a lowly, landless knight?
Nay, he would not open himself to that possibility. He felt unworthy enough already in his dealings with Alissende; there was no need to add dim-witted to the list of unflattering descriptions she could associate with him.
“Ah, Damien,” Alissende said in a quiet voice, as if she somehow sensed the reason behind his obstinacy. “It will not be so difficult, you will see. There is naught to hold you back, if you will only take the chance. You must trust me and know that none other than we two will be privy to what happens here. No other will ever be privy to it, if you do not wish it.”
Damien did not answer, still. He could not, though he lowered his arms to his sides in response to the jolt of awareness that shot through him with her heartfelt words. His hands remained fisted, but something tight and hard inside of him unwound a hair’s breadth with what she said. Perhaps it was only the way she’d said it. It was clear that she was serious about this. Utterly and completely serious, and somehow, he could not help but feel that she would do everything in her power to protect his sense of honor and his pride through what would come, if only he would agree to it.
The feeling grew stronger, and then a little stronger still.
“You, Alissende,” he said huskily at last, breaking off for a moment, lest he stumble over what he wished to say, “you alone would instruct me in this, if I agreed to it? None other…not Michael or even Ben, would be privy to what we are undertaking here?”
“None other, Damien. I promise you.”
She met his gaze with the even, kind force of her own. Damien stared at her, really looking at her. She was beautiful. That none could deny. Even swathed in those ridiculous garments and head-cloth, she possessed a kind of luminous beauty that would outshine the stars themselves.
But there was something more. Something that went much deeper and was more enduring, and he suddenly realized that it was that quality he had been yearning for, that he had been missing, these five years, even more so than the other desires that had been keeping him awake at night. It was something that was unique to Alissende and was in large part what had made him fall in love with her the first time.
She possessed an uncanny sense of understanding that went beyond simple concern. She seemed able to feel what others felt and to see the world through their eyes. Such ability was rare to begin with, but in that startling moment, he knew that he could spend the rest of his life looking, and he would never find the like of it again, from any other person, anywhere in the world.
“Why?” he asked her quietly, his throat tight with a thousand conflicting emotions. “Why would you want to do this?”
For me of all people, and now, especially…
Though he hadn’t said that last bit aloud, they both knew what he meant. Alissende didn’t have to be kind to him. After his teasing behavior to her during their public training sessions this past week, the maddeningly seductive way she’d handled herself earlier today with him had been far more in line with what he deserved.
She gave a little shrug, her mouth shifting into a half smile. “I opted to take the nobler path than what I might have, given the circumstances.”
His mouth quirked, too. “How would you describe this afternoon’s training session, then?”
“As but a hint of what is possible, should I choose a different way.”
“Heaven preserve me.”
Her eyes held a faint twinkle. “For now you may consider this a temporary truce. It would be best, I think, if we pursued your lessons when we retire to our chamber each evening at dusk. We will be able to work for an hour before sleep, and none will be the wiser, come morn.”
“You are a clever woman.” He smiled fully, unaccountable warmth filling him just to look on her.
Alissende returned the expression, and in that instant he was overcome with a rush of…happiness,of all things. It took him by surprise, and he found that he needed to clear his throat again before he could speak.
“Thank you, Alissende,” he murmured. “I do not know what kind of pupil I will be, but I—”
He glanced away and tightened his jaw, feeling the muscle there twitch, before looking at her again and finishing, “I think I would like to attempt this, if you are willing to instruct me.”
“It would be my pleasure, Damien. Truly.”
Her voice sounded as husky as his had, and at her beckoning, he left off the position he’d taken opposite her at the table to come around to her side. In the process, he could not suppress that strange warmth that continued to build in him. It rippled forth, the waves of it beating at the edges of darkness that had held dominion inside him for so long. As the feeling intensified, he realized that it was not the result of anticipation or even gratification at the thought of spending the hours in sweet and satisfying proximity with Alissende that would be required for this undertaking.
It was simply because he knew she had meant what she’d said. She had told him that it would be her pleasure to teach him—and because of that, he warranted, it would prove to be his pleasure as well.
