I ruin everything.
I am a mistake.
The door to the diner slams shut behind me and my feet pound heavily against the concrete as I make my way further from the building. My breaths come out short, causing my vision to swim. Guilt pounds against my skull as I try to work through my feelings. I can’t have him. I know that. So why does it hurt so bad?
My knees begin to wobble by the time I make it to the other side of the parking lot, forcing me to find a seat along the curb. Tears flow down my facial structure freely as I stare out onto the empty road in front of me. Thankfully a line of Eastern White Pines blocks my view of the diner. The last thing I need is for them to have front row seats at my undoing.
“Nova?” A familiar voice calls from behind me, the thuds of his boots against the ground causing twigs to snap.
Anger mixes with my embarrassment when I peak over my shoulder to find him standing behind me. “What is wrong with you?” I choke out in between sobs.
Saint slowly eases his way down to the ground, sitting cross legged next to me. His face is etched with pain.
“How can you just sit there like nothing happened?” I bring my sleeve up to wipe the snot drizzling from my nose, too upset to care about how I look.
“It’s not that simple, Nova.” He responds, his voice coming out light.
“You kissed me!” I raise my trembling voice before turning back to look at the road. A stray car travels past us, becoming the only other witness to my meltdown. “You kissed me like nothing mattered. Like I didn’t matter.” Impulsively, my hands reach up, tugging against the hair at the base of my scalp.
“Nova! Stop!” Saint barks out as his calloused hands grip onto my wrists. He squeezes lightly as he pulls them away from my head. “Just fucking stop!”
I clench my fists, which are still being held hostage in his grasp, as I turn to look at him. His eyes catch onto mine, and the hurt vibrates through my body. “How can you just be with her like nothing happened?” I whisper though it barely comes out legible with how hard the sobs are leaving me.
His hands tighten to a painful grip around my limbs as his stare turns aggressive. “You left, Nova. You fucking left me. And then you come back, out of nowhere, like a fucking hurricane. You came in and destroyed every bit of the wall I’ve built around myself.” I start to turn my head away from him, but he quickly lets go of my hands and uses his to turn and hold my face in place instead. “You are the reason I built those damn walls, Nova. You are the only thing that’s ever been able to hurt me.”
He lets go of me and drops his voice back down. “So don’t ever tell me you don’t fucking matter again. You can spew your depressive bullshit to anyone else, but not me.”
His words leave me at a loss for my own, so I continue to stare at him, letting his truth blanket over me instead. While I understand what he’s saying, it doesn’t make the pain any better. He was still there with her. Touching her. Laughing with her.Loving her. How can I really mean as much as he says I do, when he can still act like that?
I shake my head as he searches my face for a response. I watch as Saint’s jaw clenches, his pain becoming more evident the longer he stares at me.
“I have to go,” I finally let out. The words feel as though they’re slicing through me when in reality all I want to do is stay in his presence. With unfortunately perfect timing his phone buzzes. I watch as he pulls it out, a picture of him kissing Abigail’s cheek filling the screen. Her name is written brightly at the top, with a yellow heart at the end.
He glances at me one more time, with his own tears beginning to well. “Hey, I’ll be right in,” he mumbles into the phone.
With that, I stand up and I walk. I walk and I walk and I walk. As far away as I can get.
Play Bitter by FLETCHER, Kito
I gag as the smell of the vodka assaults my nose. Who in their right mind could enjoy a drink that tastes like nail polish remover? A sad chuckle slips out of me as I tilt the bottle back and take another chug anyways.
Mom and I had gone to go see a movie, not that I could pay attention to any of it after what happened. My mind was enraptured with Saint. His words obliterated my reality, turning everything I thought I knew onto its head. I didn’t know what to think now, and it had been easier to think I wasn’t enough than to know that he cares about me-to some level anyways. It shredded me. A mix of longing for him and guilt over the situation ate at me. Slowly over the night they had consumed me entirely, leaving me nothing but the desire to drown them out.
So once mom called it an early night, I walked to the liquor store and now here I am. Sad, drunk, and angry. Going through the motions the way I did finally made me see things from my father’s point of view. The idea that I’m anything like himdisgusts me, but maybe – at first – there was a method to his madness. I wonder what he was trying to drown out.
I replay the day's events in my head one last time, just stabbing the knife further into my chest. Saint had once used the word ‘selfish’ to describe me.Me?I think to myself, feeling the alcohol slosh around in my empty stomach. “Look in the mirror, buddy,” I mumble with slurred words.
I double tap my phone screen, immediately having to close one eye to stop my vision from spinning out of control. It’s slightly past midnight, or at least I think that’s the time I’m reading. A short list of notifications pop up as I scroll down. A few texts from Abby and one from Saint. It’s the whole reason I started drinking to begin with.
Saint: please talk to me.
I angrily blow a strand of hair from my line of sight as I reread it for what feels like the hundredth time tonight. I’m sure he’s perfectly fine, all snuggled up next to Abigail in their perfect little apartment. I bet she’s wearing one of his shirts and they have a stupid rom-com on. My self-condemnation beats me down every time she enters my thoughts.I’m mad at him. Not her. I try to remind myself, knowing she’s done nothing wrong.
She’s a victim in all of this. I know that. But it doesn’t make the pain any less. Because no matter how much I don’t want to point my feelings towards her, that’s hard to do when she has all I want. It all happened. so quickly, I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t want towanthim.I didn’t want to hurt her.
The plastic rim of the bottle finds its way back to my lips and I down what was left of the half pint. The last drop that slides over my tongue tastes a whole lot like bad decisions. Still I frown at the emptiness of the bottle as I toss it off the side of my bed.
I flop onto my back, letting the light from my phone illuminate my face. As fast as my drunken mind is able to, I pull up mytexts, searching for the only ‘unknown’ in the list. The call button practically screams out to me, begging for me to hit it.
