I knew exactly why.
Because I’d meant every word I said.
nineteen
HOLDEN
Christy’s last sentence would’ve shot a bolt of panic through me if the very next second I hadn’t found myself tumbling, backward, full somersault down the side of a cliff. I hit the bottom feet first but the momentum thrust me back and I landed hard on my butt in a puddle of sticks, decaying leaves, and mud.
Silas leaned over the edge of the cliff, wearing a stern, disappointed expression. “You know, for a guy who lost his first love because of a bully, I’d have thought you wouldn’t ever do that to someone else. Especially someone we all know you’re in love with.”
It felt like my lungs buckled under the weight of his words. One word, really.Bully?Had I bullied Christy?
“Holden,” he said with intense frustration. “I never would’ve handed you the crown if I’d thought you were going to treat Christy like this. She’s already been through too much. You know that.”
“I don’t want your stupid crown!” I yelled. But it wasn’t true. I just needed him off myback for two seconds so I could breathe. I wanted that damn crown! Wanted to be the next sucker so stupidly in love that he was drunk at the mere touch of the right woman. I mean, I was that sucker, I just couldn’t chill long enough to let myself be fully inebriated.
The fear of losing Christy had dug in like a spiral ground anchor and I didn’t know how to unwind it without tearing myself apart. The word bully had never been associated with the name Holden Dupree until that day. But Silas wasn’t wrong. Bullying her was exactly what I’d just done.
Right next to her ear, I’d hissed words to make her doubt herself and feel worthless, exactly how Amber had worn Savannah down. Like I was Satan himself. In all my misplaced determination to make sure Christy didn’t get hurt, I’d just hurt her as much as Rowan or Silas ever had. What was wrong with me?
I could’ve asked my brother for a hand up but the truth was, I couldn’t meet his eyes. And he might’ve denied help anyway. Christy’s words sliced through me.I wouldn’t take you back if you begged me to.Panic hit, like a life-saving jolt to my stupid, stupid heart. Because that was the moment I realized that a life without Christy, dead or alive, wasn’t something I had the strength to face.
Savannah had chosen to end her life. No matter how hard I’d tried. No matter how many times I told her I loved her, she’d chosen to believe the lies Amber fed her. But Christy was here, vibrant and alive. And she’d chosen me. An idiot who didn’t deserve her. Heart in her outstretched hands, she’d offered it up, willing me to take it.
And I’d slapped it away.
She’d come to run a race she didn’t want to run just to show she cared. And I’d acted like some arrogant tool, throwing it in her face. I had to fix this.
Now.
I turned to the right, away from the cliff and toward theriver. The water swallowed my feet like an arctic plunge but I kept going. Running toward the woman I’d just broken with my selfishness and fears. Once I was waist-deep, I plugged my nose and dove backward to get the muck off of my backside. With a frigid blast, the river covered me in a cleansing baptismal wave. A thousand pinpricks to the skin. I shot out of the glacial water with a gasp, and the cold air forced a blanket of painful goosebumps to appear, head to toe. I emerged, shoes sloshing against the mud on the opposite bank. Head tucked to brace against the cold, I sprinted, cutting across a field, only stopping to grab my dry shirt off the top of the fence post I’d left it on. By the time I reached the grassy knoll we used as a parking area, heat was spreading through my limbs, warming me back up.
Good, Christy’s truck was still here. By the look on her face right before she pushed me, I’d thought she might leave and I’d never see her again. For all I knew, her mom had finally gotten into her head enough to convince her to come home. And since she was practically jobless, maybe it was the last straw and she’d go.
I raced toward the obstacle course area. When I arrived my shoulders sank in relief. She was there. But she was leaving. Her phone and keys in hand, she was chatting with Lemon and Knox. Lemon must’ve taken off after Christy as soon as I went backward off the cliff. The fact that my awesome sister-in-law, who’d known me since I was in diapers, hadn’t hung around to make sure I was okay, spoke volumes about my behavior.
I wasn’t close enough to hear the conversation, so I stretched my legs and strained to catch whatever I could. Christy’s eyes skittered to me, still red, the hurt still raw. She looked away. And it killed me that I’d caused that. As she listened to what they were saying, she pressed her fingers to her lips, forehead creased. Knox, whoneeded to put his stupid shirt on and pull his freaking shorts up, said something and she nodded. I did not like the way he was watching her, eyes greedy, lips tugged in a smirk.
I stretched my right arm across my body, using my left hand. From the keywords I managed to pick up, they were telling her to go to the doctor and get an inhaler. She probably had asthma and just didn’t know it. And from the expression on her face, she looked like she was mid-revelation from God himself. It had clearly never occurred to her.
I’d never run with Christy before today, but I was pretty sure they were right. She lifted a lot of weights. She was toned and strong. And maybe her lungs weren’t as seasoned as someone who ran often, but she should’ve been able to go farther than she had without looking like she might pass out.
“Okay. Thanks, guys. I’ll make an appointment. Hopefully, that will fix things.”
Lemon waved and took off for the trail again.
“Hey.” Knox caught Christy by the elbow. Um, what was happening? “You should stay and work on the obstacles. I can help you.”
Christy’s big brown eyes pinged to me and then back to him. But I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. “I don’t want to keep you. I know you need to finish your laps.”
He waved that off. “No worries. I can run anytime. It’s my place.” He gave a stupid, cocky laugh. It was his dad’s place. “I don’t mind. And running won’t be hard when you get an inhaler. But the spear throw can be kind of tough to get. And the rings. The earlier you get started the better.”
She rubbed her neck and I knew that tell. That’s what she did when she was nervous or uncomfortable. Her other tell was pressing her hands against her cheeks. But I wasn’t sure if she was nervous because of Knox or if she thought I might heckle her again.
“Yeah. Okay.” She set her phone and keys down against atree and followed him to the rings. So I walked to the spear throw thirty feet away, keeping them in my periphery. I picked up the spear, attached to a broom handle, and let it rest on top of my palm.
Knox climbed to the top of the tractor tires in two seconds. “Okay. Watch how I do it.” He leaned out, skipping the first two rings, grabbing the third, and then flew across the rest, skipping every other, so fast, that I doubted it was helpful at all. When he reached the last one, he hung, one-handed and then let his fingers release in a calculated one-by-one maneuver until he was only holding on with the pointer finger on his right hand. She fawned a little, giving him what he wanted. Then he dropped with a grin.
