My eyes flashed to my very best friend since third grade. “Brook—” I started.
But before I could finish she snipped a quick, deadpan, “No. Definitely not.”
All the air in my lungs came out in a whoosh. I was done for. She was so dead when we got back to our dorm room.
Jonah’s mouth parted and his jaw jutted. “You talk about yourex-boyfriend in your sleep? But not your current boyfriend. Just…wow.”
Brooklyn swore when she realized what she’d done. “Sorry.” Fat lotta good an apology did me. I was in the thick of it now.
I threw my hands up. “Come. On. You can’t hold me accountable for what I say in my sleep. I’masleep.” I said it with complete confidence but my knees were beginning to shake.
“Guys,” he said to no one in particular, in a voice that was so completely calm, it was terrifying. “Could you give us the room please?”
The air went quiet, crackling with tension as each of them got up and padded quickly out.
Jonah’s hands were on top of his head as he shook it, lips pursed in a thin line. “Unbelievable.”
I hugged myself. “I’ve always been a sleep-talker. You know that. I used to have night terrors. It’s just a thing. My body lets everything out once I hit that REM state.”
As he paced the floor I hated myself. He deserved better. I knew that. If I had a tiny bit of a heart I’d rush to him, take him in my arms, and beg his forgiveness. There were at least five other girls on this campus that I knew of who probably wished I’d step in front of one of the Greater Sweet Grass Transit buses so they could have a chance with him. I knew that too. But it was exhausting forcing something I didn’t feel.
I only had a semester and a half left here at JRC anyway, and Jonah would be here for at least two more years. I’d graduated high school with my associate’s degree and if everything went according to plan, I’d be heading to vet school at Virginia Tech next fall. I should let Jonah go. I’d told myself that a hundred times since our first date. He’d snatched me up almost as soon as I’d set foot on campus freshman year. I’d been hopeful that this relationship would be the one. The one to finally make me forget Blue Bishop and all the hurt he’d caused me in the past four years. But even Jonah, a pre-med, straight-A student with a killer smile, hadn’t been enough to make me forget my first love.
I should give Jonah a chance to find happiness with someone else. But if I couldn’t make a relationship work with this guy, I’d probably be alone for the rest of my life. Something was wrong with me.
I did what I knew I should and pulled Jonah into a hug, wrapping my arms around his neck. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you in front of your friends.” But his arms were straight at his side. Panic tried to suffocate me. I needed him to hug me back. I wasn’t asking for much.
I clamped down tighter, desperation trying to drown me. “I love you,” I blurted. Then I winced. He’d told me that before. A handful of times. Until he realized I wasn’t going to say it back.
I dared to meet his eyes and then I fell back a step, shame enveloping me. He’d been waiting a year to hear me say it. My momma always told me never to say those three words unless I meant it—and I hadn’t. From the look on Jonah’s face, he knew.
“Wow.” His laugh was bitter. He stepped back, his eyes wet. “No, Anna, you don’t. And saying it isn’t going to change that fact.”
“Jonah,” I stepped toward him. “Please. I’m trying to make this work. Iwantthis to work.”
But he took another step away from me. “No. You need to figure yourself out. Whatever is going on with you and this Blue kid…” His head shook.
“Nothing is going on. I haven’t talked to him in years.”
His hands went to his hips. “Well, maybe that’s the problem. Maybe youshouldtalk to him.”
“What?” I scowled. “I don’twantto talk to him.”
“But I can’t do this anymore. And…” He chewed his lip, his chest rising and falling. He didn’t want to say whatever was about to come out of his mouth. I willed him not to. “You need to talk to him.” He shook his head. “No. He’s in Knoxville. That’s like five hours away. You need to goseehim. Go put your eyes on him. See if there’s still something there.”
I looked at him like he was crazy. He obviously was. “I’m not going to see him. That’s ridiculous.” I rubbed my arms, suddenly chilly. “And I doubt he’d even want to see me.”
That was probably true after the last conversation we’d had four years ago when I called him some choice names and told him exactly where he could stick the necklace I’d given him the day he left—the gold chain with my initials on it. A.N.D. for Annaleise Nicole Dupree. I’d spent way too much money on it for the good it had done. It was supposed to keep me near his heart always. But I’d quickly learned that a gold chain from a budget jeweler at the mall doesn’t have magical powers. It’s just a useless string of metal. And it definitely hadn’t done anything to keep us close. It was eighty bucks I’d never get back.
“Oh. I’m sure he would.” Jonah gestured at me like it was some kind of curse that I was beautiful. At leasthealways said I was. Like twenty times a day. But I wasn’t all that. At least, I didn’t feel all that. Because if I was, Blue wouldn’t have forgotten me as quickly as he had. I hated how emotionally scarred I still was from Blue going out with another girl the day after we broke up, and the gut-wrenching phone call the next day that blew our hearts and any chance at a future together, to smithereens. But even right now, four years later, when I should care about what Jonah thought, I was thinking about Blue and how I hadn’t been enough.
I laid my hand on Jonah’s arm. “C’mon. This is silly. You don’t tell your girlfriend to rekindle things with her ex. It’s insane. What are you doing?”
Jonah shrugged, knocking my hand off. “Trying to keep my sanity. Go see him, Anna. I’m not doing this anymore.” He pointed between us. “Until you do.”
I scoffed. “Are you giving me an ultimatum?”
He suddenly seemed exhausted and way older than the twenty years that he was. Had I done that to him? His hand scrubbed over his face. “Yeah. I think I am.” I would never have seen something like this coming. The fact that this was Jonah’s solution told me he was worn out. Worn out from me, this relationship, my issues. All of it.
