But this was different and I knew he knew it.
He stared at me for a few seconds, his eyes hooded, and I could see him running everything that could go wrong through his mind.
But in the end, he slumped in defeat. “Okay. I’ll meet you there.”
“Great.” I rewarded him with a smile. “See you then.” I heaved my shoulder strap higher and walked out of the room faking confidence.
It was all a lie.
Because if I thought I had any power over Ashton, it was nothing compared to the power he had over me. Just standing next to him had rattled my knees. I was pretty sure if he asked me to step off a cliff for him, I would.
The moment I left that room I panicked. What had I done? I took a nosedive down the doom spiral of all my insecurities and fears. My mind feeding me doubt after doubt.
Ashton doesn’t really love me. Maybe he did before…but not now. Now he just feels sorry for me.
He only said yes to be nice. This is a pity date. I’m not worthy of him.
He’s so much better than me. I’m dirty and used, like chewed-up gum under a bleacher. And as soon as he realizes that, he’ll walk away and leave me alone, heart bleeding onto the ground.
I’m not good. Not like him.
Those were just the beginning, but they were nowhere near the end. They pulsed, pounded, and pumped through my head, gaining speed and intensity the closer I got to the date. I felt powerless to stop them.
By the time I pulled up to Anna and Blue's on Saturday, I wasn't just nervous—I was a human tuning fork, vibrating with enough anxiety to power the entire town of Blacksburg.
twelve
ASHTON
Is not general incivility the very essence of love?
— JANE AUSTEN
This was a train wreck.
I don’t know what I’d expected when I agreed to go out with Tally but it wasn’t this. I’d been on cloud nine for the rest of the week.Tally asked me out, played on repeat in my head.
I should’ve known it was too good to be true.
Anna, who was riding shotgun with Blue at the wheel, caught my eye in the rearview mirror. Her forehead furrowed, looking as confused as me. She tipped her head, encouraging me to scoot closer.
Tally was hugging the door on the other side of the back seat like Uhura maintaining distance from an overly flirtatious Captain Kirk. Only, I hadn’t flirted with her. At all.
In the last three hours since I’d arrived andwe’d walked around the street fair, Tally hadn’t made eye contact with me once. She’d stayed glued to Anna’s side like I was following her in a white van with a free candy sign on the side.
My knowing about the sexual abuse probably made her confidence wobbly, but her reaction today seemed out of proportion even for that. Then again, what was the barometer for something like that?
Was she afraid of me? Did she think I was going to hurt her? Was it the fact that we were in the backseat together? We’d been in back seats together plenty of times before and she’d never acted like this.
I gave Anna a wink like I had the situation under control. I definitely did not.
She peeked around the headrest at the two of us. Her lifted brows sent me a silent message. She was going to attempt to pull Tally in with her next words. “I still can’t believe you’re Leggs,” she said to me. Anna and Blue had known Tally was Austen all along.
I smiled but glanced at Tally, hoping she’d respond. She only refocused her gaze out the window. I shrugged. Anna sighed and turned back around.
I tapped Blue on the shoulder. “Admit it. You know where you’re going.” The NFL draft was in a few weeks and he was nervous after not having played for two years. He’d chosen being with Anna until she graduated from vet school over the NFL with the hopes that there was a team that would want him later. That time had finally come. He’d been working hard, and from what Anna said, he was in better shape than ever.
He chuckled. “I don’t. I promise.”
