Anna’s face crumpled.
Brooklyn: You can’t marry him if you’re feeling that way.
Anna: If she breaks up with Madden, it will break his heart.
Brooklyn: Too bad, so sad. Tally’s my friend, therefore, I’m Team Tally. And as the top fan of Team Tally, I say, you gotta figure it out, Tal. Whatever you have to do, do it. You can’t be in a passionless marriage. And Anna, you of all people should understand. Jonah?
Anna: I know. I’m just…trying to be Switzerland over here.
Brooklyn: Switzerland doesn’t exist for you. Blue can be Team Madden, but you gotta be Team Tally.
Across the table, Anna’s head dropped into her hand.
Anna: Okay. You’re right. Team Tally all the way.
She peeked up and gave me a sad but resolute smile. My insides relaxed a bit. If my friends backed me up, I could do this. Whateverthiswas.
Brooklyn: Not to be the devil’s advocate but…
Brooklyn: I think this is about Ashton.
I winced and the fingers on my free hand curled around the edge of my seat.
Brooklyn: Tell me I’m wrong.
Anna: I can’t be a part of that discussion. I don’t know why you’re bringing him up anyway. It’s not helpful and it’s only going to put doubts in her head.
Brooklyn: She already has doubts! Why do you think we’re having this discussion?
My stomach was rock hard with anxiety. Because Brooklyn wasn’t wrong. In the last month, since they’d made me realize I was attracted to him, I hadn’t been able to get Ashton out of my head. I’d try to focus on something else and my thoughts always came right back to him. Falling asleep at night, first thing when I woke up, and every minute in between, all I saw were those eyes. That smile. The crinkle around those eyes when he smiled that smile.
Anna: Can we discuss the issue at hand without bringing my uncle into it?
Brooklyn: Fine. Tally, you deserve a marriage where you’re loved fully and where you can love your husband fully. But Madden deserves that too. It might hurt him now, but you’ll be doing him a favor in the long run.
Madden brushed his hand along my arm. “Are you ready to call my parents and tell them?”
I forced myself to look at him—those green eyes, that massive grin. Sweet Madden, so happy and patient. For four years he’d hinted at forever. And I'd let him believe it was a possibility, dodging his talk of commitment without shutting it down. Truth was, marriage haunted my thoughts daily. But fear kept me silent.
Mom was concerned that I hadn’t told him about my past. She’d made such a big deal about it that she’d threatened me once with an ultimatum: I had one week to tell him or she’d do it for me. But after I’d had a panic attack so severe she’d had to shove me in the shower fully clothed to get me to calm down, she gave up that idea.
She always said I’d know the right guy when I found him because I wouldn’t be afraid. I’dwantto tell him everything. I’d want to share every part of myself with him, even if I was terrified to do it. It concerned her that I didn’t feel safe enough with Madden to do that.
Then again, I was pretty broken. Maybe the feelings I had for Madden were as good as it got for me. Maybe it was all I was capable of. Maybe I’d never want to share my past with anyone.
“Tally?” Madden prodded.
I glanced at Anna whose eyes were wide with worry. I gave her the best smile I could muster. Then I took a swig of water and patted my mouth with the cloth napkin. “Oh, um, let me use the bathroom first,” I choked. “I’ll be right back.”
He pressed a kiss to my forehead, never realizing that I was on the verge of tears. Which only made it worse because it proved that we were on completely different wavelengths.
How could I do this?
How could I not?
I stood and hurried toward the restroom, holding in sobs as I went. I typed in a fury.
Me: I can’t hurt him. I’m going to do it.
