I turned the screen toward him so he could see the dollar amount.
His face broke into a cocky grin, forcing my pulse into a gallop. For a split second, I forgot what we were even talking about. “You would make more money than Billy. And that’s at six hundred memberships—think if you really did get a thousand.”
I couldn’t. I could not wrap my head around the number on my screen right now. I laughed. “Why hasn’t someone already done this?” But immediately, I started second-guessing the idea. Nothing in my life ever fell into place that easily. “I don’t know. It’s a huge step. I’m not sure I can do it on myown.” I chewed the inside of my cheek. “Maybe if Sophie was here. Or my dad.”
I glanced over at him and I couldn’t hide the longing.Or you, I thought.
If Silas stayed, I could do anything.
twenty
SILAS
Clem lay on the exam table, her fingers trilling against her thighs as we waited for the doctor to come in. She kept glancing at me nervously. “I wish Momma could’ve come.” Her hands lifted. “I mean, I’m so glad you’re here, but…”
I got it. Sometimes a woman just wanted her mom. And the first time listening to your baby’s heartbeat was one of those times. “She’ll be here when you find out the gender.” Miss Lisa hadn’t been able to find someone to fill in for her at the elementary school cafeteria. But she swore she’d be here for the twenty-week ultrasound if she had to quit her job to do it.
Clem nodded and her fingers went back to trilling. The longer she lay there, it seemed, the more antsy she got. I reached out and ran my fingers through her thick red hair, tickling her scalp. She and Sophie used to do this all the time. I’d walk into the living room before bed, and they’d be snuggled on the couch, in their pajamas, watching whichever reality competition show they were into that season. Inevitably, one of them would have their head on a pillow in the other’s lap, getting "head tickles.” That’s what they calledthem. I used to tease them about it. Only girls could get away with that. If you walked in on two guys running their fingers through the other’s hair…well, they either needed to come out or hand in their man card.
Clem’s gaze shot up at my touch. I stopped. She wrapped a hand around my wrist. “No, don’t stop. It’s helping.”
So I went back to drawing twirls with my fingertips. She stared up at me with her big, green, unguarded eyes. My heart thundered in my chest.
She bit her bottom lip. “I have a confession…and it’s kind of terrible.”
I offered her a gentle smile, still tickling. “I won’t judge. I promise.” There couldn’t possibly be anything she’d say that would make me think less of her.
She reached up and grabbed my forearm, pulling my hand out of her hair. Her palm slid against mine and she spread her fingers open, pulling mine in between. My knees buckled, and I covered by sitting on the side of the table. Her ginger locks were splayed across the crunchy crepe paper beneath her. She reminded me of Snow White lying there waiting for the prince. I wished I was Prince Charming right then, and that she was asleep and I could get away with kissing her.
I’d gotten the feeling lately that she might be okay with that. I wasn’t sure, though. Just little glances, or the way she would shudder whenever I touched her. Then again, the shuddering could be because she found me disgusting. Gah. It was all so confusing. I simply wasn't sure. And the longer I stayed in Seddledowne…the longer I stayed with Clem…the less sure I became.
She squeezed my hand tight. “I-I’m…I’m not sure I want there to be a heartbeat.” She covered her face with her other hand, ashamed. “I mean, I do. I want this baby more than I ever thought I would. But…” I pulled her hand away from her face and stared down at her with a soft smile. She didn’t need to hold back with me. Not anymore. She grabbed that hand, now holding both of mine, her body lying between them. “I don’t want him or her to have to have Billy as a dad. And he doesn’t deserve to be rewarded with a kid when he tricked me into making it with him.”
“No. It’s okay. I get it.” I ran my thumb along her knuckles, forcing myself to ignore the heat that hit my bloodstream. “Let’s make a deal.”
Resolve entered her face, and she nodded. She didn’t even know what the deal was, but she trusted me enough to make it anyway. Man, that felt good.
“Let’s put it in God’s hands,” I said. “If there’s a heartbeat, this baby is meant to be yours regardless of how it got here. It’ll be an unexpected gift. Just like Anna was.”
She nodded, but her expression held a hint of fear. “But if not?”
“Then He might be taking it away to ease your worries. And you’ll get the chance later with someone else.” I’d made the words up as they were coming out of my mouth. But they felt right.
I’d tried not to think too much about the fact that the woman I loved was having another man’s baby. There wasn’t a single thing I could do to change it. And I wouldn’t take this away from her even if I had that kind of power. This baby was half Clem’s. I would love this little boy or girl like crazy for that reason alone. Even if I had to do it from two thousand miles away. Even if it killed me that it wasn’t mine.
I kept running my thumb over Clem’s knuckles, hoping to get the worry lines between her eyes to lessen. “Remember how heartbroken and livid my parents were when Sophie told them Gianni had gotten her pregnant?”
Clem smiled. “I will never forget. It’s seared into my memory.”
Mine too. “Sophie sat on my parents’ bed, sobbing, practicallyhyperventilating. And my dad wouldn’t stop shouting about how her life was ruined now. I remember your face as you sat next to her, holding her hand. You looked terrified, sick, and like you wanted to take a hot poker after him all at once.”
“Your dad was being such a…”
“Butthead?” I said it for her.
“Yeah.”
“Remember how stunned my mom was? She was actually speechless.”
