I shrugged. “Watch me.” I’d been doing it for ten years. What was another fifty? Or sixty? Besides, I had a plan. Marry Christy, never come back to Seddledowne, and make Clem a distant memory—or at least shove my feelings to the very edges of my heart. It was a solid plan, and I was going to makeit work. Just like I had with the rodeo scholarship, teaching, and now the assistant principal job.
Holden’s lip curled. “You want to know what I think?”
“Not really.”
“I don’t care.” His entire forehead wrinkled. “I think you’re so in love with her that you can’t handle it if she turns you down. It would shatter you. So you’d rather never know. You’d rather live a safe, passionless life with someone who will never reject you.”
It felt like he’d sucker-punched me. Rage filled my chest, but I fought against it. If he came home with a black eye, Mom would never forgive me. I forced myself to take a couple of deep breaths. It felt like I’d spent my entire life either trying to get over Clem or putting on an award-winning performance so no one would know how deep this ran.
But with one sentence, Holden had metaphorically pantsed me.
I shot to my feet, about to leave. But Holden already thought I was a pansy. So I paced instead. I was so angry with myself. Why had I let this girl dominate my life? Why couldn’t I let her go? She was just a woman. There were millions of beautiful women out there. Heck, I was engaged to one of them.
As soon as I thought it, I felt my insides turn to jelly. She wasn’t just a woman. She was Clementine. Gorgeous, fiery, but somehow still sweet, hilarious, sexy like no other…Clementine. And there was no other woman in the world who made me feel what she did. Christy made me feel things. But they were different. Calmer and restrained. Whenever I was in the same room with Clementine, it felt like I was careening out of control—like at any second I might do or say something to give myself away and I was powerless to stop it.
I hated her for it.
And yet, I loved her desperately.
Truth was, Holden was right. With every fantasy I’d conjured up of a future with Clem—my arms around her waist, my lips on hers, whispering I love you before we hung up the phone every night—came the very real possibility of rejection. When I was a teenager, I’d let myself have a fake relationship with her in my mind, but in real life, I was hog-tied. Especially after Billy entered the picture. When she married that imbecile at the age of twenty, it had destroyed me. Cried so hard I puked.
But once I'd picked myself back up, I’d also been relieved.
I could finally get over this infatuation and get on with my life.
I thought I had my crap together when I came home that first Christmas. But there she sat at our kitchen table with Billy hanging all over her, big old diamond on her finger. And that old familiar beast raged in me just as fierce as always. It had taken every speck of willpower I could muster not to punch him right in his stupid, cocky face, drag her away, and tell her everything in my heart. That was the day I realized this love wasn’t going anywhere. It would be inside me until the day I died. The best I could do was avoid it.
So I stayed away as much as I could after that. If I could talk Mom and Dad into coming to see me instead, I did.
My hands gripped the back of my hair. “You’re right. I’m a coward.”
He stood. “I’m not saying that. You’re the opposite of a coward. I’ve seen you take down a raging bronco with a rope and your bare hands. It’s just Lemon, man. You can’t see straight when it comes to her.” His tone was back to normal. Unfazed, unaffected Holden.
“Exactly. I have to stay far away from entertaining any kind of future with her.” I was exhausted from all of it. Sophie’s death, the new engagement, living with Clem. And on top ofall that, now I had to be a dad to Anna. At least that one would be easier. Anna was so easy to love.
Holden put his hands on my shoulders. “I’m sorry for all the pushing. You’ve got a lot to think about right now.”
I nodded, still coming down from wanting to break his nose.
Holden shook his head. “But you have to make a decision about Sophie’s proposal quickly. Llew says that if you don’t do the three months together, then it’ll go to court. Some judge will decide what’s best for Anna.”
My eyes widened. “Seriously? Soph didn’t have a contingency plan?”
“Nope.”
I groaned. “Then I don’t have a choice. I have to make sure Anna is okay.” I shook my head, disgusted. “It’s just like Sophie to pull this crap when she’s out of reach.”
“Or maybe she’s doing you a favor.”
I rolled my eyes. My sister could play cupid from the grave all she wanted, but I had control over how I reacted to it. And I wouldn’t cave into the stupid, relentless feelings I had for Clem. I’d make sure of that.
“Ok. I’ll do it.”
five
CLEMENTINE
“You okay if we stop at the studio real quick?” I asked Anna as we headed home in my truck.
