He hesitated. Continued to stare. “No.”
The answer should have been a relief, but it wasn’t. His flat tone had my attention. “I didn’t tell you the truth because Xavier and I agreed you wouldn’t know.”
“He didn’t want to claim me, you mean.”
Exactly the opposite. Telling the truth could sever my relationship with Jeremy for good, but I had to tell him a version he could live with. “I insisted he keep his distance.”
“Why?” No anger. Jeremy’s emotions didn’t flare.
A trick or wishful thinking. Not sure which but I didn’t question the small lane he’d given me to drive through. “Xavier turned out to be... problematic.”
Careful.I had to wade in, not jump in. Biology and genes. Jeremy knew enough to wrongly label himself in a way that had no basis in reality. He wasn’t Xavier.
“But you had to know what kind of man he was and still you slept with him without birth control. Despite all those lectures you give me about being careful and smart. Using protection.”Jeremy shook his head. “Ignoring the hypocrisy, you know what people will say about you. About Xavier’s fortune and that trust, right?”
The last part was the least of my concerns. I’d been dodging themoney hungry bitchaccusations ever since I went to work for Patrick. “I used birth control. I had no intention of getting pregnant.”
“You were just having sex and having fun... with Xavier? An old dude?”
Fifty-nine but not the point. “I was nineteen then. You’re nineteen now. Do you want to talk about why you have sex and how?”
The look on his face could only be described as horrified. “That’s totally different.”
“It really isn’t. Sex hasn’t changed that much in twenty years. The mechanics and the risks are about the same.”
“Mom.”
Right. More tact. More tiptoeing. “I was terrified when I found out I was pregnant, mostly because I was so young and all alone. Xavier had power and influence. I lacked both. I also didn’t have money or a plan. Not with my mom being gone.”
My grieving over her death made me vulnerable. Xavier capitalized on that. Offered stability. Not that I realized back then. Six years of therapy and Irene’s support at the café helped me ferret out the root cause of my actions.
“I had other options about whether to be a mom, but I fell in love with you the second I saw you. I vowed to make it work.” The road had been a lot bumpier than that but keeping him was the ending I never regretted.
Jeremy leaned against the sink, facing me. “What did Xavier think about having a baby?”
This part. Rifling through the pieces I could shade, then share, and the things I could never say stole my last drops of energy. “He was excited. He wanted to have another child.”
It’s another chance for me, Hanna. I can get it right this time.
His positive response terrified me more than the angry explosion I expected because I knew his acceptance meant he had a plan. To survive, I had to put distance between us. The hope being he’d eventually lose interest, especially once my promise never to bother him or ask for money proved to be genuine.
Instead of walking away, Xavier used the secret of Jeremy’s parentage as a way of controlling my life. When he figured out I got an IUD after the birth, Xavier insisted on a no dating/no other men requirement. He talked about his right to sex on demand but never tried once I had Jeremy. Rumor was he lost interest in Dea after she gave birth, too. Xavier possessed a myriad of issues with women that I had no interest in dissecting.
No support, money or otherwise. No talking about him or the Tanners to anyone ever. Display a solid work ethic and be a good role model. Demand excellence from our son. Those were just some of Xavier’s rules.
He considered himself an expert game player and engaged in one with me for almost twenty years. Always threatening to step in. To ruin me. To make me disappear. Betting that I’d fail even though he had zero interest in the day-to-day of raising a child on his own.
Xavier took pleasure in having a secret heir and suggesting he could unveil his spare without warning. Substitute Jeremy for Patrick in a sick ta-da moment.
“Why couldn’t we be a family?” Jeremy shrugged as if theconversation topic didn’t matter even as the look in his eyes said my answer meant everything. “I can’t really imagine throwing a baseball with the guy but maybe something else. Did he at least pay support?”
“I wouldn’t have taken it. His money came with strings. It was one of the ways Xavier controlled people and I couldn’t give him that advantage.” Honestly, I would have if I had no other choice. Jeremy meant more than my pride. If I hadn’t had Irene and the café job for support. If I didn’t have a bit of money from Mom’s life insurance.
I will not have my son live like a beggar, Hanna.
You forget, Xavier. He’s not going to be your son. Not to anyone but us.
“But why did it need to be all or nothing? We didn’t need to live together. It could have been like my friends with divorced folks.” Jeremy looked like he mentally was searching for the right question to ask. “I do remember seeing him. He’d come into the café for coffee.”
