“If they think I’m weak just because we aren’t having sex, then my pack members are stupid. Do I look weak to you?”
Connor shook his head. Of course Leyden didn’t look weak, and Connor knew that the man was anything but... Connor could understand now why some people within the asexual spectrum did have sex with their partners, even if it wasn’t something they particularly enjoyed. The urge to submit to Leyden, even if it wasn’t something that Connor wanted, was huge. If it would protect his mate and stop the slurs that were bound to occur, then maybe Connor could do it.
It’s not like he hadn’t had ample experience of how cruel wolf shifters could be with someone that they perceived as different. Until Connor had developed his strength and power, he had been teased mercilessly for not behaving like other wolf shifters. Connor wondered if he had it in him to let Leyden have sex with him, even if he wasn’t ready and didn’t get aroused by it.
Leyden turned off the car, and Connor looked around, realizing they must be at the restaurant. He went to open his door, but Leyden’s hand held him fast.
“Don’t ever think that either,” Leyden warned, his voice low, and Connor picked up traces of anger. “I have never fucked an unwilling partner in my life and I sure as hell am not going to start with you. I said I would wait until you were ready and I will.”
Connor carefully put his hand on Leyden’s and found he liked the connection he could feel. Leyden was warm and solid, and he didn’t make Connor’s skin itch, which was a bonus. Through the hand Connor could feel how angry and hurt Leyden was feeling, and he hated that he had ruined his mate’s good mood.
“I’m sorry Leyden. I didn’t mean to hurt you or make you angry. It’s just… I’ve lived with the knowledge I am different since I shifted. Other wolves can be cruel, and they can and will capitalize on any weakness they can see. It’s the nature of our animal. You know that. If I submit to you…”
“Stop right there,” Leyden snarled and yep, his mate was still angry.
“It will protect you,” Connor finished, his own anger rising fast. Didn’t his mate understand how hard it was to live like he did? In a world where sex was the norm and everything in society seemed designed to try and trigger some sort of arousal response. Where the first thing people judged you on was whether or not you were sexually attractive.
Wolf shifters were worse than humans in that respect. They not only went with their animal spirit and enjoyed sex for the pleasure it apparently was, but they could smell when others didn’t feel the same way. Connor had gone through hell until his size stopped people questioning his nature. He didn’t want to cause problems with his mate.
“You’re forgetting something, mate of mine,” Leyden said more softly this time. “I have an equal desire to protect you and to make you happy. I won’t do anything that would make you feel uncomfortable, and as much as I long to explore and plunder that sexy body of yours, I won’t do anything until I know it is what you want too.”
“Just as well we’ve both got size on our side then,” Connor said, smiling at the man who really didn’t know him, yet was willing to change his whole way of life for him.
“Exactly,” Leyden said, smiling back. “Now let’s go eat our dinner and you can tell me all about yourself.”
Chapter Six
Leyden felt himself relax as the two men enjoyed some delicious food. As he expected with a mate, he found that Connor enjoyed similar things to him - exercising and working out, watching movies, music, although Connor confessed to not having ever danced. He described his one and only experience in going to a club and Leyden tried not to laugh. Leyden loved to dance, and he agreed with Connor that dancing was excellent foreplay.
They also talked about families. Connor had parents still alive, but they had moved away after Connor was grown. Leyden told about his parents, who lived in a neighboring town, and his tense relationship with his father when they both found out Leyden was an alpha too. Two alphas couldn’t live in the same pack, and eventually Leyden had moved out.
He came across his current territory when the alpha was old and ready for a change. After the two men had spent a week together talking about what the alpha wanted for his pack, Leyden had challenged him and allowed him to submit. The old alpha had moved away to be closer to his family and Leyden had taken over the running of the pack.
Having watched his mate through the day, Leyden noticed that when there wasn’t any danger of being treated like a sex toy, Connor was really good with people. He came across as rugged and mean, but he never made anyone feel bad about themselves, and Leyden knew the Fates had made a good match for him. Connor was also clever and had pointed out a few problems with some of the candidates for the beta challenge that Leyden hadn’t even noticed. Leyden felt good that Connor was on his side.
One thing had been puzzling Leyden though, and while he didn’t want to spoil the happy atmosphere between the two of them, by the time dessert had been served, he felt compelled to ask, “How do you know when you know someone? How do you knowwhen you feel comfortable enough with someone to try and have a sexual relationship with them?”
Connor looked up from his apple pie and cream, a spoon raised to his mouth. Very deliberately, it seemed to Leyden, the man took his mouthful, and Leyden wanted to moan out loud when the man’s tongue flicked out, catching a piece of pie crumb from his lips.
“I’m not sure,” Connor said at last, after he had swallowed his mouthful. And had Leyden watched the play of the man’s Adam’s apple in the candlelight? He very definitely had. Leyden kept quiet, hoping Connor would explain more.
“I know it hasn’t happened to me before and I really don’t know a lot about it,” Connor went on at last. “I did some reading online. I know I feel differently than other people. But I think it’s different for everyone. I know I like the idea of sex - at least, I watch porn and it doesn’t disgust me, and I’ve seen others in the pack having sex often enough and that doesn’t really bother me either.”
“So some demisexuals are actually disgusted with the idea of having sex?”
Connor glared at Leyden for a moment, and Leyden kicked himself because of course it hadn’t been Connor that had mentioned he was demisexual, it had been Davis. But Connor must have come to some sort of decision in his head because he said, “I don’t know what it is like for other people. I’ve read that some people who are on the asexual spectrum are disgusted with the idea of having sex. But at the same time anyone from any of the many labels there are under that umbrella can also have sex. Some of them even have a high sex drive. Personally I don’t hold with labels at all. We are all individuals, so it stands to reason we are all different. I only know that I have never felt sexual desire for another person.”
“But your equipment works, right?”
“Yes,” Connor said, snagging another mouthful of his apple pie. “I get a morning hard-on just like any other male, and yes, before you ask, I do masturbate on occasion.”
Leyden’s eyes lit up. He couldn’t wait to see that. “Awesome,” he said with a grin. “We can get ourselves off together.”
Connor laughed, as he hoped he would, and Leyden finished his dessert. After paying the bill, and Leyden holding the door open for Connor, which made the big man blush, they headed out to the car and back to the pack house in comfortable silence. Leyden was glad that Connor wasn’t a man who seemed to have a need to fill a silence with meaningless chatter - Leyden got enough of that through the day with his pack members. It was nice just being with someone and not having to be on his game all the time.
It wasn’t until Leyden drove up the driveway to his home that Connor spoke.
“What does desire feel like?”
