I leave, holding myself together until I round the corner, and then fall apart.
It's two days later when it all explodes.
I'm in the kitchen with Lexi, trying to help prep dinner, when Jake walks in, looking grim.
"He knows about the baby," Jake says quietly.
Lexi drops her spoon. "Oh God."
I grip the counter. "How?"
"He found one of your letters. The ones you didn't send. Pretty sure Mom packed it by accident when she grabbed the one you asked her for from your desk, back when she was getting his stuff ready to take to Germany."
My stomach flips.
Jake hesitates. "He wants to talk to you. But he's pissed, Lucy. Really pissed."
I nod. Even though I expected this, I didn't think it would come so fast.
I find him sitting in a wheelchair in his room, staring at the TV but not really watching it.
He doesn't look at me as I step into his room and close the door behind me.
"You lied to me."
I flinch. "I didn't lie. I just... I didn't know how to tell you."
When he holds up the letter, his hand shakes.
"You made that decision for me. You kept this from me."
Swallowing, my voice is barely above a whisper. "I didn't do it to hurt you. I did it because I needed you to come home. I needed you alive, Caden. And I was terrified that if I told you, you'd be distracted or reckless or…"
"So, you just decided I didn't have the right to know about my own kid?"
Tears well in my eyes, but I don't even try to stop them.
"You weren't here to make that choice. You were gone. And then the letters stopped. And I thought I lost you. I was scared and alone."
He finally looks at me, his eyes hard. "You think I wanted to be silent? I was unconscious and in surgery. I couldn't hold a pen. I would've given anything to get a letter out. Anything."
My eyes burn. "I'm sorry. How could I know? I thought ... I thought maybe you'd changed your mind about us."
He looks away, swallowing hard. "Yeah. Well. Now you do."
Stepping closer, I plead. "I wasn't trying to hurt you. I was trying to protect us both."
"And in the process, you stole something from me. You robbed me of that first moment. You took away my chance to feel what you felt when you found out. You carried it alone and decided I didn't deserve to know."
My breath catches. "I didn't want you to feel guilty, or scared, or responsible when you had so much already on your shoulders."
"It wasn't your choice to make." His voice cracks on the last word.
I want to go to him. To hold him. But I can feel this wall between us, and I don't know how to get over it to get to him.
"You think I don't hate myself already? For not being here? For missing everything? And now... now I find out this way? From a letter you never even sent?"
Tears sting my eyes. "I was waiting for the right time."
