I love you so much, and I am so proud of the woman you have become. You are brave and kind. Sweet baby love, if there’s one thing I never had time to teach you, it was that there are only two things you never let go of: love and yourself. Hold tight to both of those.
Thank you for being there for me when you shouldn’t have had to. Watching you grow up was a great privilege. Your life, my greatest accomplishment. I love you. I’m so sorry. I love you.
Forever love,
Mom
Tears drop onto the page, onto her words. Words I will cherish for the rest of my life. Truths that tear open my chest and steal my oxygen. My eyes seek out one sentence again and again.He wants to have a family with you and take care of you and any future children.How? Why wouldn’t he tell me this? He thought I couldn’t have children. Knew it wasn’t ever going to be in the cards with a relationship with me. Shaking my head, I let the rush of pain inside. I push it away most days because it makes me weak, and my daughter needs a strong mother.
“You doing okay in here?” Shirley strolls in, Luna on her hip, grabbing her hair. Her gaze dips to the piece of paper shaking in my hand.
I hold it out to her but resist handing it over when she tries to grab it. “It changes everything,” I cry, taking Luna from her and hugging her to my chest. “I’ve been cruel. What have I done?” I whisper into my baby’s ear, inhaling her sweet scent. She looks at me, and I have to close my eyes to banish Leif’s face.
Shirley reads the letter a few times, her eyes growing large as she finishes the third time, letting the knowledge soak in. “Fuck.”
“Language,” I bark at her. “I know,” I say in the same breath.
“What are you going to do?”
I shake my head. “I have to go to him, Shirley. I have to tell him. This letter changes everything. I’ve ruined it, I’m sure.”
“You did what you thought you had to do. For Luna. You couldn’t have kids, and he didn’t want a family. You made a selfless decision, Malena. Don’t beat yourself up over this.”
She holds the piece of paper up between us. The words give me comfort and tear me apart at the same time. I grab it from her and set it on the bed for later. I’ll read it a thousand times.
I swallow hard. “I have to call him. Or email him. Tell him the truth. He deserves the truth. I did what I thought would beeasiest, Shirley. Not what was right,” I reply, shaking my head. “I didn’t give him the option for fear of him feeling trapped.”
Moving fast, I bypass Shirley and head for my open laptop. With his baby in my lap, I tap out a quick email asking him to call me and apologizing for not getting in contact sooner. I don’t say anything about Luna or my lies. That’s a conversation I need to have in person.
“I told you from day one he was a good guy,” Shirley says, both hands on her hips.
Narrowing my eyes, I say, “Please, now you’re going to tell me this. You agreed with not telling him about Luna.”
“I’d say anything to get my friend back, Malena. You abandoned us here when your mom died.”
Closing my eyes, I place a kiss on the baby’s head. “I had to. The gossip was easier to control when I came back and she was already here. I didn’t have to make up any stories.” I send off the email and hold my breath as I watch it leave my outbox. “His sisters,” I say.
“They haven’t been around here since he left. They cleaned out his house and helped move Mr. Olsen’s stuff out after he died, but they’re gone, Malena. Without Leif here, they had no reason to hang around.”
Wincing, I remember discovering Mr. Olsen passed away and I wasn’t here to help. I was very pregnant, and there was no way I could risk seeing Leif’s sisters, so I stayed away. Like a selfish, awful person.
I scroll my cellphone until my finger is hovering over Celia’s name. I press the green button without thinking twice. She answers on the third ring, out of breath.
“Hello?”
My breath catches. She must hate me. The bitch she thinks cheated on her brother. “It’s Malena, Celia. Hi. How…are you?”
She sighs. “Malena,” she says. I hear her swallow. “I’m good. How are you doing? I was sorry to hear about your mother.”
My heart trips. “Thank you,” I reply, meeting Shirley’s eyes. She nods exaggeratedly, urging me on. “That’s sort of why I’m calling, Celia. I just came across a letter she wrote, and I was hoping you could tell me the best way to get in touch with Leif.” Saying his name out loud slices. It’s unfamiliar, and that fact makes me break out in a cold sweat. “If you don’t mind telling me, that is. I need to clear something up and fast.”
“Malena,” Celia whispers. “You don’t know?”
“I don’t know what?”
She laughs. “Why would you know? You broke his heart and left him. Why would you care?”
“You don’t understand. I’m so sorry,” I say. “Please. Please, Celia. Tell me.” I already know it’s not good.
