Something pings. “You’re not going to see other people while you’re away, right?”
He pulls away, one brow raised. “Are you seriously asking me that? After everything? I don’t want anyone else. I’ve never wanted anyone else. You’re it for me, kid. You’re it.”
Grinning, I reach up and hug him, laying my ear on his chest. I let the thumping of his heart calm mine. As long as his is beating, mine has a reason to keep going as well. I didn’t plan on falling for a military man. The sacrifice on both sides wasn’t something I ever considered. Sure, he’s off at war doing battle against those that wish ill will against innocents, but what about everyone they leave behind in their wake?
He whispers things to me. Details about the time he’s leaving and what he needs to accomplish by morning. There’s a laundry list of things I agree to take care of for him. It’s all business for a couple hours as he lays it all out for me—delivers my worst nightmare like it’s an everyday occurrence. I don’t miss the excitement in his voice when he talks about the mission and the particular bad guy he’s been after for a long time.
My heart starts hollowing in a Leif-sized space at that moment. Setting him free. Paying the price. Getting what I deserve—what I always knew was coming. He’s leaving me.
THIRTEEN
Leif
The loose endstie seamlessly with Malena holding the fort back in Bronze Bay while I’m gone. I’ve given her everything she’ll need: access to my bank accounts, keys to my house, and every piece of information I thought she may need. I added her to my will as the sole beneficiary last week. She doesn’t know that yet, and hopefully she’ll never have to know. She would have freaked. There are those that get it, and then there’s everyone else. Malena is too new to the military life to understand the sacrifice quite yet. She’s getting there. I was surprised at how well she took the news of me leaving. I expected a blowout—a fight so large, I’d end up leaving without closure. Instead, she showed me her strength. Proving again without a shadow of a doubt she’s the woman for me.
Her sun-kissed body is sprawled in my white sheets, one leg out, her skin glowing in the early sunlight. I won’t wake her. That would be too hard, too costly a mistake for a man trying to leave everything behind. My mind needs to be clear, my eyes on the prize. Finishing this fucking war and getting back to my life. Forthe first time in my life, I get it. I understand how much another person can mean. Why I’m fighting so fucking hard. I realize what life is truly about.
I swallow hard as I gaze down at her chest rising and falling softly. Her eyelashes flutter, and a smile creeps to one corner of her mouth. I wonder if she’s dreaming of me, thinking of us. Will she remember me? How my touch causes an immediate reaction? What it feels like when I’m deep inside her? How quickly will those new memories fade into distant memories? I shudder. It’s a painful realization. Her life will go on without me, and I have to take it on her word that she’ll be here when I return. If I return.
I didn’t tell her how dangerous this year would be for me. A no-fail mission means I’m willing to go down with the ship to make sure this ends successfully. I’d give up my life to make sure she’s safe. Forever. Saying goodbye to my parents and sisters was easy. They’re used to this. It’s an old-hat gesture to send me away. I think they knew it would be hard for me to bid Malena farewell and let me off easy with a quick breakfast sendoff last weekend. Celia promises to continue to make sure Ms. Winterset is doing well, and Eva deems herself responsible for keeping Malena occupied. I tell her that’s not necessary, but I know she will do what she wants regardless of what I say.
All of these months of dating, and I’ve never given Malena any sort of significant gift. Nothing tangible to remember me by. I found a ring last week at the only jewelry store in town, a pawn shop, and it made me think of her. It can mean whatever she wants it to mean, and the fluidity in that makes me happy and terrifies me at the same time. I want to keep her. Forever. The ring is simple, a gold band with tiny diamonds sprinkled into it with no real pattern. It reminded me of little clusters of stars in the sky and what they look like during a jump at night. The guy behind the counter asked if I needed it engraved, and I didn’thave much time to think of what I wanted but decided on the first thing that came to mind:You are my night sky.
I have to go or else I’ll be late for the flight, and I don’t want to be the asshole holding up a plane. Usually that’s Aidan because he’s been out all night fucking. He’s coming with me for this mission. I set the ring and a letter on the nightstand. With a pain deep in my chest and tears threatening, I turn from the room and exit my house, locking the door behind me.
Mr. Olsen is out in his chair. When he spies the big bag I have slung over one shoulder, he nods at it. “Gone for a while?”
Sighing out the pain, I nod. “Yeah. Too long.”
He smiles, a twinkle in his eye. We both know he will be gone before I return. “I’ll see you when I see you. Get them assholes, son. Get ’em.”
“I intend to, sir.”
Mr. Olsen nods to the door, his pallid face and gaunt eyes on display in an errant ray of sun. “She’s a good one. Better come back for her.”
“I intend to do that as well,” I reply. “Take care of yourself. Malena will help you out. Don’t be afraid to ask her for anything you need. Eva and Celia, too. Anything. You hear me?”
“As long as you aren’t afraid to ask for what you want,” he replies.
It’s a loaded statement. “I’m not afraid of anything. You know that.” I grin.
“Everyone is afraid of something, even big-muscled SEALs. If I can give you one piece of advice before I go,” he says. We both know he said “I” instead of “you,” and it stings. The bite of death knocking when you have no control. I nod. “Nothing is more important than family. I lost mine, and I thank God I got the cancer so I can be with them sooner.” He looks up to the sky, and it’s a revelation. A fucking pang resonates because I know he’s right, and maybe no one has said it before, or I didn’t listen.“Everything in this life is fleeting. Make sure you use the time wisely, son.”
I agree, give him a hug, and make sure he has phone numbers for anyone who I think may help him if need be. I’m feeling like a morose asshole when Aidan picks me up. He makes a sex joke but catches onto my bad mood right away and shuts the fuck up. Should I have said goodbye? Should I have turned down this mission? I’m not even sure it would have been an option. I know the most about the target, this is basically my mission now. Aidan parks at the airport, and we grab our bags from the back of his truck. One of the other guys will grab his truck and store it for the time we’re away.
Our plane is waiting and ready as we approach. We board, take off into the morning sun, and circle around to the west. I hate everything about it. I keep my eyes peeled for my house from the air, but by that time we’re too high up to see people. Just shapes. The shape of my roof. The shape of the ocean, the bay. The shape of my fucking heart vanishing beneath me.
I throw up into a barf bag.
Aidan chuckles, but I merely shake my head, still in no mood for his bullshit. I open my computer and start working, starting to scour the reports and my emails for new information. I begin talking to the SEALs on the West Coast.
This is war.
And it’s my job to finish it.
It’s been two months, and it’s a constant stream of work and meetings. We’re on the large San Diego SEAL compound, so we have all of our training facilities at our beck and call. In betweenplanning, we’re shooting and working out, honing the skills that may have been pushed to the back burner while in Bronze Bay. It’s a whole different world here. One that I’d forgotten. The breakneck pace. The falling into bed at night so tired I’m not sure if I pass out or fall asleep. My limbs are sore, and my arms are full of holes from the doctors poking and prodding to make sure I’m in top-notch condition. My body is in fine shape compared to my emotions. I fucking miss Malena so much it’s hard to talk to her on the phone. When I hear her voice, I want her.
Wanting her turns into a haunting reminder of everything I won’t have for an entire year. I tried to be honest. Tried to tell her talking to her makes everything more difficult, but she said I need to get freaking used to it. I won’t, but I’ll pretend for her benefit. She is busy with her work and friends and seems to be doing well. It’s all so surface level. Not like those deep, thought-provoking conversations we’d have when we were together, lying naked in bed, staring at the ceiling, together. The quiet poignant moments are gone, and in their place are conversations about weather and Bronze Bay gossip. It would be horrifying if it wasn’t Malena. But it’s her, so I gobble up every single syllable she utters, harboring the desperation deep within.
