“No, fuck you, man. Do you guys have balls left? These chicks aren’t anything special. I’ve dicked plenty of them andwalked away unscathed. What is it about them that makes them so desirable? The Southern drawl? The coconut-laced hair shampoo? The tans? These small-town ladies are the Kryptonite of this whole fucking SEAL Team.” Sutter shakes his head. “I need to get back to San Diego, where the women are women and the men stay men. I’m surrounded by pussies, and I can’t fuck any of them.”
“Calm your tits, dude. Maybe if you had a woman to go home to at night, you wouldn’t be such an asshole all the time.”
“What is it about her then? Explain,” Sutter says, sitting in an office chair and scooting toward me until we’re knee to knee. “Make me understand.”
Swallowing hard, I blow out a breath. “You’re serious? I just came from lunch with my sisters. I don’t think I’m ready for this kind of conversation. I haven’t even had sex with her, so I don’t want to call it before the ref does, man.” It’s a slight lie because I already know sex with Malena will be amazing because the chemistry is off the motherfucking charts. “There’s nothing to understand, really. Why do you care? You’re a bachelor for life. Don’t worry about what I’m doing.”
Sutter shakes his head. “No. Not for life. But it’s not going to be some small-town chick to keep me. These women have never seen outside this place.” He’s generalizing, but he knows it. I don’t need to remind him.
Narrowing my eyes, I ask, “How is that a bad thing?”
Sutter appears to actually consider my question instead of slinging an insult, so I go on.
“Listen, they sent me here for a break. It’s why most of us are here. I don’t know about you, but since the war began, I haven’t even paused to consider what might be good for me. What I wanted outside of the Teams, what would fulfill and make me happy. Have you?”
Sutter looks at me with wide eyes, shaking his head. “You’ve turned into a pussy before you tapped it. I didn’t know it was possible. I’m witnessing the death of your manhood right now.”
I roll my eyes. “Fuck you, Sutter. I thought you wanted to be serious for half a second. I want to help Malena and…I like her,” I say, turning away from him to read emails on our server.
“It’s the hero complex,” Sutter says. “Once she’s saved, you’ll get bored and join the fuck team again. That’s what it is. I’ve diagnosed you. Go forth and swoop in with your red cape and awesome biceps. Fuck a few times, then return to me wiser and stronger.”
“You’re wrong,” I say, praying to God he’s not right. He makes sense in the fucked-up way only Sutter can make sense.
“I’m not wrong. I’ll be here waiting.”
For the first time, I don’t want to be on whatever team Sutter is on. I don’t think I was ever the angry, single asshole that he is, but I might have been. I pull up the itinerary for skydiving on Friday and save the few emails that contain details about the whereabouts ofmybad guy.
EIGHT
Malena
“She’s so confused.Are you sure she’s going to be okay?” I ask, eyes rimmed red from crying and lack of sleep. Everyone at Garden Breeze has been overtly cheerful and helpful. So much so that I wonder if it’s all an act, like the second I leave they’ll start being mean to my mom or something. I’m so jaded by life. Nothing has ever been this easy—seamless—during my existence.
The doctor puts her hand on my shoulder, with a white-toothed grin, wide and ready. “I promise to call you to give you an update. This is what I specialize in. Your mother is in the best hands possible for her condition. I’m surprised you managed her by yourself for this long.” The doctor’s smile fades, and the ball of daughter guilt hardens in my stomach. “Her dementia is further along than we are used to seeing in a newly admitted patient. We are well equipped to handle anything that may come along during her stabilization in a new residence.”
I nod in a continuous motion as the doctor goes on. She uses all the words I already knew but always feared. I don’t have tofear them anymore. These people are here to help her…and me. “And I can call to check in on her anytime?”
Glancing in Mom’s beautiful suite, I see that she’s calmed down and is now sitting in a chair gazing out the window, looking at the expansive garden, a slight smile on her face. There are several bouquets of fresh flowers arranged in vases around the room. When I remarked on them, a nurse told me no expense was spared to make sure Mom’s integration was smooth and pleasant. Leif did this. All of this. The ball of guilt morphs into something more pleasant, yet horrifying. I’ll never be able to repay him for this. Not ever. Not in this lifetime. Not with money, not with all that I have to offer.
The wrist break wasn’t severe and didn’t need surgery, which was surprising when you consider the angle at which it was bent after the fall off the bicycle. I cringe at the day-old memory. “I’m going to slip out while she’s calm,” I say, heart pounding in trepidation. I’m given paperwork, and with one longing glance at the woman I love, I leave. I’m leaving here. Without my mom. The person who cared for me for as long as she was capable. The only person who has ever been there for me in all capacities.
Dragging both of her large, empty, rolling suitcases behind me, I exit into the hot air. I feel both tortured and free at the exact same time. There has to be some lesson in this. Some releasing of control, and winning some battles, yet losing others, but right now I’m so tired I can’t think straight. The lines in the road blur as I hit the Bronze Bay city limits and familiar territory, my eyes blinking slowly on their own. I barely make it home and into my bed before crashing. I wake up to my cell phone, which is on my bedroom floor, buzzing loudly.
My limbs are stiff and sore from sleeping so long. “How long did I sleep?” I mutter, grabbing the back of my neck as I amble into my bathroom and stuff my toothbrush into my mouth. I squint my eyes at the analog clock on the wall. “Fifteenhours.” My voice is hoarse as I reach down for my phone and start figuring out my life. I’ve missed several text messages from Shirley, one from Caroline, a call from Garden Breeze, and sixteen calls from Leif. I listen to the voicemail from Garden Breeze first. They were merely calling to give me an update that Mom had a great night, slept through the night and everything. She is playing a game of cards with one of the other residents and seems very happy. It gives me a pang. She’s not playing cards with me. That’s when I realize how empty my house is going to be. I thank them for the update and hang up with tears falling down my face.
Loud pounding on the front door breaks me from my thoughts. I wash the remaining toothpaste from my mouth, throw my hair in a ponytail, and answer the door. I open the door to a worried Leif.
“Where is your phone?” he snaps, looking me up and down, like he’s assessing for damage.
Just my heart, I think.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
“If you count sleeping for fifteen hours okay, I guess so. I passed out. The emotional exhaustion kicked me in my rear,” I admit. Leif looks amazing, with a tight shirt stretched across his wide chest, and the scent of his body wash hits the air like his battle song.Give me war, Leif. Give it to me.“In desperate need of a shower,” I add, thinking about the last time I bathed. “Like, big time.”
Leif’s worry transforms into relief as he pushes inside. “I’ll wait for you to shower,” he says.
“No, you don’t have to! Don’t you have work? You’ve done enough for me lately. Don’t be late on my account,” I breathe out. “It’s all so much, Leif. I don’t have the money to repay you, and I don’t think a lifetime of sexual favors would even put adent in the Garden Breeze bill.” My stomach churns, and I lay a hand on it. “It’s really too much.”
