“Not daily,” he fires back. “More than it should. It happens more than I want it to. Though things are slower than they were at the start of the war. It’s dying down. No pun intended,” he replies, clearing his throat.
I take another bite and chew slowly, digesting this information. “Is dying down a good thing?” I edge. “Safer for you? Safer for our world?”
The scratch of his five o’clock shadow rubs against the phone. “Yeah. Yeah,” he says. “It would make me sort of twisted if I admitted I enjoy war, right?”
“Yes,” I say.
“I definitely don’t enjoy it then.”
I slurp the rest of my drink. “But you do enjoy it.”
“I never said that.”
“You do,” I reply.
“I’m happy here. In Bronze Bay. Not deployed.”
“Hmm,” I grumble into the phone. “Yeah?”
“With you.”
My face flushes, and my stomach flips the contents like a roller coaster. The tone of his voice pierces my thick skin—silently filling me with something I never dreamed possible. Hope.
I ball up my napkin until it can’t get any smaller. Leif stays silent, waiting for a response. “I have to get back to work,” I whisper.
“Can you come over tonight?” Leif asks. “We could watch the sunset and drink beers. Or wine, if you think that’s a more acceptable date.”
I laugh, and my stomach sinks. “I can’t. The night nurse isn’t around, and I can’t ask the daytime one. She’s been there all day while I’m here.”
After a beat or two, Leif asks me how much I pay the nurses, and I tell him. He asks me a few other questions about my finances. I have no reason to lie to him or feel ashamed. His sister knows when I’m having my monthly, surely my income and bills aren’t that taboo to talk about. Leif has told me he’s really good with numbers, and he wants to help me. For whatever reason, maybe because help isn’t something that’s offered to me very often, I accept willingly.
“Last question,” he asks, voice hesitant. “I had Celia look into a few facilities in our area. Don’t get upset. I just asked her very casually. She’s a nurse and knows a lot of people.”
I make a noise of acceptance, mostly because I’m not sure what to say, and I’m a little upset. We never established boundaries, but this kind of seems like he’s stepped over some.
“If she can pull some strings and get your mom the help she needs, would you accept it?”
A lump lodges in my throat. This is what I’ve always wanted for her. A place she would be safe at all hours of the day regardless of my location. Would I be able to live with the guilt of passing her to someone else? “Can we talk about this later? I’ll think about it,” I tell him, sniffling.
“Did I make you upset?”
I shake my head. “No. It’s just I’m happy you’re trying to help me and sad because I didn’t think it would happen this fast. It’s a lot. I’ve been on my own, save for my friends and the nurses I pay, for a long time. Giving up control will be complicated.”
“We can talk about it later, okay? Something to think about is all.”
“Sure,” I tell him. “I have to go back to work. The birds are staring daggers at me,” I say, narrowing my eyes at my coworkers trying to listen to my conversation. “Call me later?”
“Of course,” Leif says. “Malena.”
“Yeah?”
“You’re an amazing person. In case no one has told you that today.” He clicks off the line, and my heart rate ratchets up even though he’s not in front of me.
Shaking my head, I pocket my cell, slam my lunch box in my locker, and exit the break room without so much as looking at the rest of the general store employees.
I rub her clammy forehead. She woke up flailing and crying again. Because she forgot he left us. I calmed her as best as I could, but I’ll be on high alert for another hour or so. That’sabout how long it takes for Mom to fade back into REM sleep, which is where she has to be for me to be confident she won’t wake up and try to leave the house. After leaving her room, I double-check the locks on every exit in the house. I had trigger alarms installed on every single door and window after the first time she went for a walk at two in the morning. I hoped the alarms would take the place of the night nurse and save me some money, but it wasn’t enough, and I had to keep working. It will never be enough.
Rubbing my tired eyes, I pull a glass out of the cabinet and hold it under the faucet to fill it. Standing over the sink, I drink the contents, tipping my head back.Deep breaths, Malena. Deep breaths.Leif is right. A facility would be able to better handle her at this point. She’s not only a prisoner of her own mind, she’s a prisoner in this house.
