Gripping the steering wheel tightly, he pressed his foot to the gas, but he didn’t break any traffic codes or speeding regulations.He kept calm, although he couldn’t help but think of how his life was at the beginning of the year.
Some chick had pulled him into her and kissed him, even though it had been the first year in his life that he hadn’t really felt the joys of the New Year.
Did he have an idea of what was going to happen then?That his life by the middle of the year would be totally different?
He parked the truck in one of the available spaces outside of Palmer’s Gifts, grabbed the lunch bag, and made his way inside.Katie was at one of the window displays, complete with a dustcloth, vacuum cleaner, and polish.
“Hey, Hawk,” she said.
For the past month, he had spent every available moment he could with Katie.Stopping by the shop, taking her to lunch.It hadn’t extended to dinner or dancing, or to anything.Just two friends chatting, catching up, and it was not what he wanted.He wanted so much more.
“Hey,” he said.
Katie looked around from the display.“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”
She climbed out of the window, pushing some of the hair off her face.“You don’t look all right.”
“I just ...I got in an argument with my sister.She’s around all the time.”
“She worries about you.”
“I know.I know our parents put her up to it, but I don’t need people around me twenty-four-seven.”He ran a hand down his face.“Sorry, I’m sounding like a total dick.”
“No, no, you’re sounding like a guy who ...wants a little space.I get it.”
He frowned.“You don’t think I’m being a total dick?”
“You might be.I remember you mom coming in here, and she just burst into tears.She was sobbing about how close it came to nearly losing you.With Adam, I have come to realize there are two sides to each story.There is your side, as the person who was sick in the hospital, and then there is the side of those trying to deal with it.Like your mom, dad, and Sarah.Just like with me and Adam.”She shrugged.“It’s hard for both sides.They love you, Hawk.They want the best for you, and they weren’t there when it happened.”She moved toward him and put a hand on his arm.“I was there when Adam got his diagnosis.Both times.Your dad was the one who got the call.I can’t imagine how scared your parents must have been.”
“Fuck, now I feel like a prick.”
“But I know how I felt when the doctor told Adam he had cancer, and I remember that feeling when he told us it had returned.I know that feeling, but I also know Adam was terrified.He knew it was coming, but he was also scared.How did you feel?”
Hawk looked at her.
No one had asked him that.Everyone had told him what he’d been doing wrong.No one had asked him how he felt, or what it all meant to him.
“I was terrified,” he said.“It was something I had never felt before, and for the first time in my life, I didn’t know what to do.The pain was ...it was pure agony.”He looked toward her.
“Adam told me it was like having your future taken from you.That was what it felt like to him.That the world seemed to stand still but also keep moving.Every second felt rushed, yet at the same time, it was like he couldn’t make it stop.It drove him crazy.”
“I was given all these warnings.If I continued, then it was going to get worse.I have medication now to help.I have to make lifestyle changes.The high-stress working environment I once thrived in was killing me.It’s a change I struggle with.Even now, I wake up at four-thirty, without an alarm, and my first thought is to check my emails.To see what job needs handling first.Instead, I don’t touch my phone.I lay in bed, look up at the ceiling and just wonder where I went wrong.”
“You didn’t go wrong.”
“I mustn’t have done something right.I was a dick in high school.I didn’t donate to enough charities.I wasn’t kind.I don’t fucking know.”
“Some things just happen.”
He looked at her and smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.“I noticed you didn’t correct me about the whole ‘dick in high school’ part.”
“I’m not going to lie to you, Hawk.You were a dick in high school.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it.You know, Adam told me the best way to deal with everything was to take it one day at a time, and if that wasn’t enough, then a few hours, or a couple of minutes, and to just keep pushing forward.”
