“Do you have so many words because Luca never talks?” Stephanie asks her with a smirk, and we all burst out laughing.
Gráinne shakes her head. “He talks,” she says with a soft smile, “to me.”
Steph nods with a grin and we quietly go back to eating our eggs and bacon, slowly sipping on hot beverages. Stephanie is mainly pushing her food around on her plate, but the rest of us just munch quietly, contemplative. When I can’t stand another second of the silence, I stand.
“Okay, I’m headed into the living room.” I want to get this over with. Maybe if we focus on Stephanie and Elizabeth, I won’t have to share my feelings. I have never been good at that.
I have to guess it’s because I’m one of six. If we went around blathering about our emotions all the time, it would have been a difficult household to manage. Something bothering you? “Shake it off” was our mantra. After all, we all knew the rules and the punishments for breaking them. There was never a need to come undone when you got caught. We all teased each other mercilessly. No one cried or tattled. If things didn’t go your way? So what? Life isn’t fair. We never questioned that philosophy. At least, not until I did.
I listen as Stephanie shares that she finally got real evidence of Cole cheating, although she refuses to go into detail. She talks about how hard it is to feel like she was never enough for him, and we console her as best we can. She’s the total package, and it’s definitely his loss.
She wipes a tear then chuckles. “Yeah, fuck him.” I smile hearing her use the f-bomb. It’s not her usual style, but I’m thrilled to see her finally acknowledging Cole’s infidelity.
“Totally. Fuck him. Asshole,” I contribute.
“Dickhead,” Gráinne seethes.
“Asshat.” Elizabeth nods, and I grin at her choice of words. Not sure I’ve heard her curse before either. I must be rubbing off on them.
My smile drops when Elizabeth goes on to divulge that she understands how Steph feels because of how her first love ended. Apparently, some jerk broke up with her right after she gave him her virginity in high school. Claimed she wasn’t “fit” enough for him. That, coupled with her stepsister’s taunts about her weight, put her in a bad place for a long time.
“I know how it is,” she whispers as she plays with the hem of her sweatshirt, “to feel like you’re not enough.” She reaches for Stephanie’s hand. “I had to work on loving myself, and I admit it’s been hard. But, it is possible. I’m in a better place now. Youwillheal. It just takes time.”
Stephanie leans across the couch to hug her, and my heart clenches. I’m so lucky to have these women in my life.
How do I tell them that my fear isn’t the same as theirs? I don’t worry that I’m not enough. No, my fear is that I’m too much. I’ve always been too reckless, too opinionated, too driven. Too…me.
“I’ve never felt that I fit in here,” I whisper, drawing my friends’ attention. I’ve reverted to picking at my cuticles, an anxious habit I haven’t succumbed to in years. “I’ve always had so many dreams. And, none of them were about money, or power, or any of the things that our families seem to fixate on. I wanted away from it all.”
Stephanie moves across the living room to sit next to me on one of our mismatched arm chairs. “Go on, Tare. What did you dream?”
“I… I… You know I want to be a lawyer. A defense attorney.” I sigh. “Not because I want to defend criminals.” Like our families. It sits unsaid but understood in the room. “I believe everybody deserves their day in court, regardless of their bank account or who they know. I think everyone deserves the same chance at redemption.” I swallow.
“Wait,” Stephanie interrupts me. “There are women with careers who are part of the mafia.” She whispers the last word as though she is saying,Voldemort.
“Clan,” Gráinne and I correct at the same time, then grin.
“Okay?” she asks. Yeah. I suppose it doesn’t matter. “But, I’m not understanding why you think you can’t become a defense attorney and help people as part of aclan?” She emphasizes the last word almost comically, as though the idea that we’d distinguish such a thing is nonsensical. I can tell you, where I come from, it’s about heritage, so it means quite a bit. I know that’s why Gráinne and I both blurted out the term. It’s been ingrained into our psyches since we were born.
I sigh. “Belonging to theclanmeans that it always comes first. Our strength comes from loyalty and shared purpose. And, honestly, I can almost respect that.Almost.But it also means you lose your freedom. This marriage is proof of that. I hoped I could fly under the radar. Experience something new.”
I swallow hard before continuing, because I know this next part will be upsetting to Gráinne. “I don’t want tojustbe a mob wife. Always being told what to do. While there are some women who work in our clan,nonehave big jobs. They all work at the church, or for charities, or in back office jobs at one of the clubs.” I bite my bottom lip. Sigh. “They raise mobster kids, throw mobster parties, and listen to their mobster husbands. I could never willingly let someone boss me around like that. I can’t be that shallow person.” I refuse to meet their eyes.
“Does it have to be like that with you and Liam?” Stephanie asks. “Has he tried to boss you around?”
I laugh without humor. “I know you all think he’s this ‘nice guy.’” I make air quotes around the words. “But he’s been pretty demanding at times.”
“How?” Gráinne sits up straighter. A line of concern mars her normally perfect forehead.
“Well, he’s pretty insistent that we won’t be seeing other people.”
Elizabeth giggles. “Yeah. What a jerk.”
I roll my eyes. “Okay. Okay. But he also hasn’t said he plans to support me being a lawyer.”
Steph nods. “Is he going to stand in your way?”
I consider this. “I don’t know.”
