Desperately torn between what I want and what I know, I linger. Hoping thatmaybehe’ll bring me that nightly glass of ice water and slip into bed next to me, harmless in his approach. Wondering, desperately, if he feels this too. This tension, like a force, like a tether, so tightly wound between us. All these strings attached that were never supposed to be there.
I remind myself of them. One by one, plucking at each string, each reason, like an instrument in my mind. Telling myself, as I have for years, that logic needs to conquer my reckless heart.
So I go to bed. Alone.
Quiet as a mouse.
CHAPTER 20
Thiswillhelp.Italways does.
Every dazzling second of fractured, flickering blue-hued shadows projected onto the pool’s floor. Thewhooshof the water between strokes as I lift my head above the surface for quick gasps of air. The smell of chlorine, and the sensation of my feet pushing against tile as I roll forward into my next lap.
I repeatedly keep telling myselfthis will helpwhile exhaustively becoming more and more tense.
I’ve been pent-up since last night. After tossing and turning for hours, I decided the only solution was to spend an early morning at the pool, exerting some of this tension as best I can. Pushing my body to its limits in cathartic release.
While I’ve always felt most at peace inside a natural body of water, swimming anywhere can bring me relief.
But not today, it seems.
This is lap seventeen. I’ve yet to determine how many it’ll take to feel like myself again, but the number keeps increasing with every turn. I’ll be swimming until I forget the veryloudmemory of my conversation with Bo last night. The mortification of living down the hall from someone who knows you touched yourself thinking about them and hasheardyou doing it.
And, simultaneously, I’ll be here until I muster the considerable amount of self-control I need to hear that Boenjoyedhearing me and still not make the reckless, short-sighted decision to sleep with him again.
I lift my left arm up and over my body, carving a stream into the water ahead of me at full speed, then switch to my right.
Left, right.
I haven’t had sex since Halloween. But… has he?
Left, right.
He’s notactuallygoing to bring another girl home, right?
Left, right.
What if he calls my bluff?
Left, right.
When I reach the edge of the pool, I pull myself up and over and catch my breath as I tug off my goggles, bringing two palms to cover my eyes.Fuck.This is definitelynotworking.
All I can see is Bo’s face, his arm leisurely draped across the top of the archway, his frame towering over me. His lips repeatingkeeping myself away from your bedroom was nearly impossibleover and over and over until I want to scream,so why did you?
I could ask Sarah to spend the night at hers… Give myself a day or two to cool off. But am I seriously going to have to do that every time I find Bo attractive? I’m an adult, for fuck’s sake. We’ve slept together. It’s not exactly surprising that thoseurgesdidn’t go away the moment the complications multiplied.
But something has to give.
And I’m increasingly aware that it might be my self-restraint.
“Win?” a deep, friendly voice calls out, echoing around the pool.
I twist to look behind me, looking up to the lifeguard tower to find a familiar face. “Cam?” I call up to him, smiling broadly.
I trained Cam three years ago at Westcliff Point, and he’s been back every summer since as a lifeguard. I’ve only ever bumped into mysummer peopleoutside of summer months a handful of times, and it always throws me off a bit. But Cam is a sweetheart. Though the timing of running into him could be better.
“I thought that was you,” he says, his dimples appearing as he flicks his copper hair away from his face.
