The thought makes me a little dizzy, and I pull back.
“You okay?”
“I think I’m feeling a bit lightheaded.” I swallow my pride, looking up at her.
She nods. Disappointment flashing across her features.
And there it is… the same look Natalie gave me time and time again. Another reason our relationship fell apart.Fuck.
Sometimes, sex can become a bit too much for me. I’ve been known to shut down. The feeling of too much touching, kissing, overheating. Things I ought to enjoy, paralyse me.
Just as I’m about to string together a long line of apologies and explanations, Clara speaks.
“Let’s go lie down.” She hops off my lap and pulls me up with her hand around mine. Topless Clara is now leading me to my bedroom, and I follow her stunned. Shit, I never moved the dresses off my bed.
“Couldn’t narrow it down?” She smiles over her shoulder. I shrug, eyes entirely focused on the shifting muscle in her shoulder as she surveys the room.
“You’re so beautiful, Clara.” The words fall out of me.
She turns to me, takes a step closer, and lays one flat palm on my cheek. “I don’t think I’ve truly ever felt that way until tonight… thank you.”
“I think I’m just catching up, ya know? This is a big change and while its amazing it’s also—”
Clara interrupts my spiral with a chaste kiss. She’s not turned off. She’s not running away. Thank God. “Let’s just lie down. Do you still like to be tucked in when you feel… overwhelmed?”
I stare at her in disbelief, as she takes all the dresses off my bed, hangs them up then begins rearranging pillows. “Climb in,” she says.
I move slowly, studying her calm expression as I do. Is she not annoyed? She said she wanted to kiss more, and we did, but I doubt she was done. Hell, I didn’t want to be.
While I shift under the covers, Clara puts a few pillows around me like a barricade. “I’m just gonna go put the food in your fridge before Bagel swoops in.” I nod, sort of amazed by the ease in which she’s taking care of me. And, the fact I don’t feel all that embarrassed. A moment later, she’s back and getting into bed.
“Want to watchThe Bacheloror something?” She cuddles up next to me, her blonde hair cascading over my shoulder. “Is this okay?”
This isbetterthan okay. This is better than anything. “Yes… and yes.”
We watch an entire episode, making small talk about the contestants. When the credits roll and the next episode comes up next, I hit select then pause on the remote. “I’m sorry, and I’m sorry it took me an hour to say that.”
“You have no reason to be sorry.” She sits up, pinning me flat against the mattress with her stern but caring expression. “Really.”
“I love kissing you. I really want to keep doing that at some point,” I state plainly. I want her to know. Need her to.
She smiles, bright and wide and contagious. “Good.” She lays back down, reaches across my lap and hits play. “Does that mean I can sleep over?”
I kiss her forehead, and breathe her in, smiling down at her chest splayed across me. “Yes, please.”
Chapter Eleven
Clara
At some point, long after we’d both fallen asleep, Evan let me know she was ready to kiss again. It started with a delicate finger across my collarbone and a quiet question of, “you awake?”, and while I’d technically not been, that didn’t matter anymore. Sleep could wait.
We kissed long and slow, both laying down and tucked in our separate, cosy blanket cocoons. Eventually we merged blankets, my fingertips finding the fabric of her dress to grip onto, hers digging into the flesh at my waist.
Every little evolution of our kiss started with a whispered, sincere question. “Are you sure?” I’d help her out of her tights. “Do you like that?” I’m sliding my tongue against hers. “Is this okay?” She’s reaching for my ass. “Do you want to…?” A question I never finished but both understood. I removed my trousers while she removed her dress. Side by side, we stripped down to our underwear.
Now, we’re pressed all over. Grasping hands and sliding knees, hooking around each other and finding friction. While I know I’m nearly thirty and this may sound absurd— it’s all so new. Feelings I’d suspected existed but never felt are suddenly real. Tangible and heavy. A giddy, excited, and lustful wanting. And I can feel myself getting wetter, rubbing the seam of my panties over her thigh, as she slides her knee up and under me.
She’s responsive too. Not just with the little whimpers of approval she makes but with how she somehow seems to know what I want. The slow kisses back and forth across my collarbones, the sucking on the base of my neck. Her hand holding mine, clasped and pressed above my head into the mattress.
