“Was that your first time, Luke? Getting high?”I have no idea if I signed that right—it wasn’t something I’d expect my dad to teach me.
“Yeah.”
“Is that the truth?”I ask.
“No.”
I can’t help but grin.“When Warren gets home, I’ll go upstairs and give you guys some room to talk.”I stand to make some lunch. Luke is staring at the ground in front of him, picking at the carpet.“Hungry?”
“Yes.”Luke pouts as he signs.
“All right, come on.”I gesture to the kitchen, and he follows close behind.
I make Luke a grilled cheese sandwich, and he carries it off to his bedroom after a quick nod of appreciation. I don’t imagine Warren will go easy on him, but then again, I probably wouldn’t either if it was Willow. I wish, with all of my heart, that I never have to find out. Smoking pot is one thing, but with our family history? Anything is a risk.
I’ve stayed far away from anything addictive. Well, besides caffeine. And sugar. And the occasional glass of wine too. Thankfully, I’ve never been inclined to enjoy in excess—though perhaps my current coffee intake could be cut back.
I hope, wherever she is, that Connie is okay. I hope her stitches healed, and I hope she kept them clean. When Odette called the day after I brought Willow home, she hadn’t heard from her. “Not yet,” she had said, as if Connie’s reappearance was inevitable. We’d talked for an hour or so. Odette is a great listener—someone I would trust with the deepest parts of me, if I knew how to access them all. We talked about the loneliness I didn’t expect to feel while having a constant companion. She assured me that it’s normal.
I’m only one week into parenting, and I know I should allow myself more time for these feelings to pass, but I’m tired down to my bones. The loneliness that has been hanging over me for years threatens to swallow me up. I miss a life I never got to live—the one with the found family and friends I didn’t get the chance to find. I grieve for it.
Odette suggested making a list of all the things I’ll get to do, now that I have Willow, but it would be a long list of disingenuous hopes. All the milestones I look forward to, but none of my own. Only Willow’s. Perhaps parenthood is always putting yourself on the back burner.
Maybe that’s why my parents don’t take kindly to the choices I’ve made. Namely, graphic design, self-employment, fostering Willow—I’m on a roll in recent years of messing up my mother’s vision for my life. If I can do anything for Will, it’ll be supporting her choices as she grows up. They’ll behers, after all.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
“Chloe!” Warren’s agitated voice booms through the floor of my loft. I roll my computer chair over to the side of my desk and pop my head over the ledge.
“Yes?” My tone mistakenly comes out more confused than concerned.
“Can you come down here?” His voice is stern, a command in the form of a question. Luke better not have thrown me under the bus—I made him a sandwich!
“Okay.” I notice Willow’s no longer asleep but chewing on her fist with enthusiasm. I’ll use her as a human shield.She sorta owes me.
“What’s up?” Luke is sitting with his head hanging. Warren stands at the end of the table, arms crossed and scowling.
Warren speaks and signs at the same time, even though Luke isn’t looking up at him.“So I hear that you had a run-in with Luke at the park today.”
I’m not sure when to speak, so I wait.
“Luke also told me he came home three hours early from school, and the two of you had a lovely lunch together.”
My lips curl slightly. I’m nervous, and something about Warren sayinglovelyis amusing. My smirk pisses him off. His jaw tenses and his foot begins to tap in sporadic movements against the hardwood floor.
“Really appreciate you taking the time to tell me.”Warren glares as he signs.
“I told Luke I thought it would be best for him to talk to you. That I would if he didn’t.” Luke watches me as I speak, but I don’t sign. I shuffle Willow, repeat myself, then continue while signing,“I didn’t want to get between you two.”
“You did the moment you decided to not tell me he was skipping school. I didn’t know where he was. Well, I thought I did. Ithoughthe was atschool!”Warren’s face is turning red.“But then his teacher called me saying he missed the last two periods. Imagine my surprise when I rushed home to see him passed out in his bed, smelling of skunk, with a nicely prepared grilled cheese next to his pillow.”
I bite my lip.Do not laugh.
“This is not funny.”Warren’s low timbre sends a cold wave of air over the room. I bring Willow closer to my chest, tucking her against me fully.
“I know. I’m sorry. I laugh when I’m nervous.”
Warren pinches the bridge of his nose. “I knew this would fucking happen.”
