I don’t know when I started crying, but I did it in stillness, without sobbing. Just tears.
“Christ,” I said. “I’m tired of this.”
“I know, Harry,” she said. “I know. But I need to know where your head is.”
“It’s on your shoulder,” I said.
She bumped my leg with her knee. “I’m serious.” She was quiet for a moment. Then she said, “Once upon a time, there was an apprentice wizard. Her mentor was kind, but sometimes rash, and determined never to let an innocent be harmed.”
“I don’t think I’ve heard this one,” I said.
“Shut up, wiseass,” Molly said absently. “I’m telling a story. The apprentice learned from her mentor and made mistakes and tried to make up for them. Until one day, her mentor was shot and killed.”
“The end?” I guessed.
She put a thumb in my trapezius muscle, the one I’d twinged in the gym that morning, and dug into it absently. It felt amazing and I shut up. “She blamed herself for his death. And she went out and made all manner of unwise choices. She got involved with dark powers. And she did some dark things.” Molly paused to think. “And the whole time, shekept thinking to herself that it couldn’t really get any worse, and if it did she’d probably earned it.”
“Thanks for cheering me up.”
She let out a soft snort through her nose. “Harry. I’m just saying. I’ve been to a place kind of like where you are now. Before I expose you to Lara Raith, I need to know that you don’t think you deserve horrible things for what happened.”
I was silent for a long time.
Because I’d thought about it.
When one of the White Court feeds on you…it feels good. Nothing else feels as good. Nothing else matters.
Nothing hurts.
The thought of letting Lara take a nibble of me was like standing with my toes on the edge of a cliff. I could wiggle them and feel the little pebbles falling out from under them and think to myself,What if?
Lara had once offered me surcease. Leaned in and whispered the word, like an invocation. It had haunted me ever since.
But never more than now.
I closed my eyes. And I thought of the one thing that protected me from that delicious, probably poisonous promise.
Maggie. My daughter.
She was at that age where I’d been starting to outline awkward but necessary talks with her about biology and such. She wasn’t quite there yet, but the time was coming. I had her lined up for school at St. Mark’s Academy for the Gifted and Talented, and my dog, Mouse, was going with her. She liked to snuggle up next to me for the second movie at a drive-in, and almost always fell asleep with her head on my chest before it was over.
I thought of the trust and love implied in her sleepy, heavy warmth. And, like always, I took a step back from the cliff.
“I’m not planning on drinking Lara’s Kool-Aid,” I said quietly.
Molly lifted her head, lifted my chin with her fingertips, and peered at my expression closely. “You’re sure?”
“I’m…” I sighed. “I’m hurting. I just need time. I’ll get through this.”
Her beautiful features looked uncertain and worried.
“I’m sorry Mab is making you…you know.” I grimaced. “Plan everything.”
Her mouth quirked in a sardonic smile. “Yeah. Well. I’m just worried about you.” She took in a deep breath. “If Lara tries to use her come-hither on you, she’s breaking the agreement for the first outing. Winter’s people will be nearby. All you have to do is say the word, and they’ll be there.”
“If she can’t use her mojo on me,” I said, “why are you so worried?”
“Because she’s charming, manipulative, extremely intelligent, and she’s forgotten more about seduction than most will ever know,” Molly said. “Plus, she’s a woman. And history suggests you don’t deal well with those.”
