A Meeting with the Train Conductor
From the Passenger Records of Hiraya Sia
Raya
The winged song embroidered itself back on to Raya’s scarf. Lily folded her arms over her chest, trying and failing to keep her hands from shaking. “That’s not true.”
A moth appeared by a capiz lamp and flitted around it, casting shadows over Raya’s face. “Q had his demons, but the stowaway wasn’t one of them.”
Lily stood up. “I think you should go.”
A second moth took shape out of thin air and joined the first.
“You tried to erase your past, but clung to your guilt,” Raya said. “And it clung to you.”
“Please leave.” Lily gritted her teeth.
A third moth joined the pair and flew around the lamp.
“Your guilt conjured the first stowaway, Lily. That’s why only you and I could see its true face. The guilt that lives inside us colors everything through its lens. And each time a version of Q boards, your guilt brings the stowaway to life.” Raya glanced up at the moths. “It’s creating another one now.”
Lily grabbed a vial and uncorked it. She brought it to her lips. Raya swatted it away. “No!” Lily wept. “I need to forget.”
“You can do whatever you want.” Raya emptied the second bottle of tonic on the floor. “After we end this.” She pulled a sake bottle from her bag. “Permanently.”
Lily took a step back from Raya. “Why did you bring the train’s back door here?”
Lily peered through the sake bottle. “I suppose that I should be grateful that the train is crossing an ocean. It might hurt less than the cliffs.”
“The cliffs you told Q to hurl himself onto?” Raya said. “Yes, I imagine that being broken against them would be a lot more painful.”
“What do you want me to say?” Lily’s voice thinned. “I did what I needed to do. We may have shared a face and name once, but you have no idea what it’s like to carry the responsibility I have.”
“Actually, Lily, if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that nothing on this train changes much at all. Not its route, not how fragile it is, and most certainly not its passengers. This may be the most wondrous train ever built, but it never truly moves forward. We are no closer to where we’re going nor farther from where we left. The Elsewhere Express traps us in thoughts the same way we were trapped in our heads before we boarded it. Nothing has changed.”
“Better to have no destination than to be forced to get off at stations filled with disappointment and pain.” Lily put her cap on. “Ask any passenger if they are enjoying their trip and if they’d rather be somewhere else. You don’t need a destination when you’re happy to be exactly where you are.”
“But are they happy, Lily? Are you? Drinking a tonic to forget that you’re empty isn’t the same as being full. Having a to-do list of tasks isn’t purpose.”
“It’s close enough. After you’ve experienced being responsible for countless souls sheltering inside thin crystal walls, I’ll be happy to listen to any other options you care to offer. But not before.” Lilyglared at the gathering moths. “Right now, all I care about is putting an end to this.” She stared into the ocean inside the sake bottle. The wind blowing from the train’s back door whipped her cap off. Her red hair tumbled out and returned to its original lavender.
Raya caught the cap.
“Goodbye, Ms. Sia,” Lily said, looking back at Raya with Raya’s own face.
“Wait.” Raya grabbed the sake bottle.
“What is it?”
“I…I made a mistake. This can’t be the only way. You aren’t the stowaway. Your guilt is. Just let go of it.”
“All right. I’ll let it go if you show me where it lives.” Lily’s words scraped her throat. “I’ll cut myself open right now and throw it from this train. Tell me where my sins end and where I begin, Ms. Sia. I’m listening.”
Raya shook her head. “I don’t know.”
Lily stared up at the moths. Black wings covered nearly all the lamps like a quivering shroud. “Do you know why the dancers at the engine never stop moving? It’s because if they pause, even for a moment, they’ll realize that after spinning and gliding on a track for an eternity, they weren’t dancing. They were just trying not to fall.” A small smile, which seemed to have lost its way, settled over Lily’s lips. Lily took the sake bottle from Raya. “I’ve stopped spinning, Ms. Sia. I trust you to carry on where I have left off. The Elsewhere Express cannot be without a conductor.”
“Don’t, Lily.Don’t do it. We’ll find another way.”
