“You’re going to be okay. Mary told me that I got trapped in this tunnel myself once, stumbled into it by accident from the library when I was a child and almost died. But then I followed a bird all the way to the ocean. A swallow! Turns out my mother stopped speaking to my grandmother because of that, even though it was just an accident. Apparently my mum even wrote in her will that if something were to happen to her, my grandmother should not be trusted to care for me. My family has never been good at forgiveness.”
“Wait. What? When did Mary tell you that?”
“Just now. Before she left. Funny how life gives you the answers to questions you didn’t know to ask. Follow the sound of the sea and you’ll be fine.”
DCI Bird does not sound like herself. I think they might have drugged her. But then she kisses me, so now I’m sure this is just adream. The kiss is slow and gentle. I close my eyes and I kiss her back until she pulls away.
“I just needed a kiss for luck. Goodbye, Carter.”
I open my eyes but she’s gone. All I see is darkness.
And all I hear is the sound of a door closing.
63BIRDY
When one door closes, another one slams in your face.
That’s a lesson life taught me more than once. I close the secret door, lock it, then slide down to sit on the parquet floor in the library. It feels fitting that I am going to spend my final moments surrounded by books. I have always been happiest when hiding inside a story. I do not feel good, so I rest my head against the wooden paneling and close my eyes for a second.
Carter pounds his fist on the other side of the door. “Birdy?”
“Yes, Carter.”
“What the fuck?”
“I told you to follow the sound of the sea. Why are you so bad at following orders?”
“You’re not my boss. You’re not my anything. It’s dark in here, where is my phone?”
“I took it, you don’t need it. Nobody needs those bloody things.”
“Let me out!”
“Can’t do that, sorry. I have a date with death.”
“What? My head is bleeding.”
“I know.”
“Do you know who hit me? Was it Harrison? I knew he was dangerous.”
“No, you silly sod. It was me.”
64BIRDY
Six months earlier
Feelings are like visitors, they come and they go, and sometimes they stay when uninvited. I sit in my little flat above the bookshop with Sunday at my feet and a blanket on my lap like I’m already fucking dead. Then I have a word with myself. It’s been three days since I visited Thanatos. Two days since I opened the letter telling me my date of death. And one day since I fell apart. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, but I know I need to snap out of it. Ever since I discovered I had so little time left, there has been one person I knew I needed to see. I’ve thought about her so often over the years. Every day for always. And now I need to visit her before it is too late.
To say sorry.
To say goodbye.
Even though it has been years since I said hello.
Now I know exactly how little time I have left, I need to use it wisely, not sit around drowning in self-pity. The first thing I did, the same day I found out, was quit my job. I have spent most of my life working for the police. I think I’d like to spend whatever time I have left just being me. Whoever that is.
Now that I’m dying I wish I’d done a better job of living. I think I might leave London. Maybe I’ll sell the flat above the bookshop,and take Sunday somewhere I’ve never been before. I certainly have no intention of going back to Hope Falls; that’s the last place I’d want to spend my final days. I plan to sell my grandmother’s house and put the money to good use. I might take a trip to Scotland; I hear it’s very beautiful there. No more police work, no more stress, no more anything. Just me and my dog far away from it all for as long as life lets me.
