I peer out of the window where Ingrid is pointing, and see another woman dressed in a white uniform crossing the gravel driveway and heading toward the main door.
But I recognize this woman and her name isn’t Mary.
It’s Eden Fox.
43BIRDY
I wake up, look in the mirror, and barely recognize myself.
The first thing I think of every day now is how many days I have left. Thanks to Thanatos, it’s like I have a death clock ticking inside my mind. It’s impossible not to worry. All I can think about is what happens to who I love when I am not here to love them anymore. Like my dog. I’ve written a will, made some plans, but that doesn’t make me worry less. People rarely do what they should, they do what they want instead, because humans are a selfish species. I know I should focus on the present, make the most of the time I have left, but like so many things in life that is harder to do than it is to say. How can a person live in the now when, every single second, now becomes then?
The present is only ever the past in the making.
I heard Carter leave in the middle of the night, but I kept my eyes closed and pretended to be asleep. Once I was sure he was gone and saw him walking down the lane outside the pub, I whistled for Sunday. My most loyal friend—myonlyfriend—came running up the stairs, leapt onto the bed, and made a very good replacement. I am normally okay being alone but right now I don’t want to be. The physical and emotional pain was too much yesterday; it’s gettingharder to hide. The thoughts that trespass in my head are too loud for me to sleep or dream, and even when I do, my dreams turn into nightmares. I’m not scared of dying, I’m just scared of what it means.
Soon I’ll be nothing more than a memory.
Pretty soon after then I won’t even be that.
Everyone who remembered me will be gone too.
I didn’t intend to sleep with Carter again, and I know I shouldn’t have, but maybe I just wanted to trick myself into thinking that someone somewhere might miss me when I am gone. That I didn’t completely waste my life. That it wasn’t all for nothing. When the sun starts to rise I decide to stop wasting what little time I have left. I get myself up, get myself dressed, and get myself ready. It’s going to be another long day.
I call Carter to tell him where to meet me but his phone goes straight to voicemail. I don’t like leaving messages, and I don’t see the point, his phone will show him that I called and that should be enough for him to know to call me back as soon as possible. It’s still too early for Maddy to have opened the pub, so Sunday and I head out in search of breakfast. I see that the Driftwood Café overlooking the harbor is already open.
“We’re closing soon,” the old woman behind the counter hollers in a thick Cornish accent when I step inside. She’s busy with something and doesn’t even look up. Her eyes are too big for her face, and she radiates a no-nonsense vibe. Cath—if the name badge is to be believed—served me coffee yesterday, but has clearly forgotten me already. Just like everyone will soon. “We only open early doors at this time of year, to cook breakfast for the local fishermen before they head out for the day,” she says, and now that she’s mentioned it I did notice there were fewer boats in the harbor. “Oh, it’s you,” she says, finally looking up and seeing me. A sliver of a smile spreads across her face. “The woman with the bird tattoo on your hand.”
Perhaps I’m not as forgettable as I feared.
“Do you want two coffees again? I can manage that before I lock up,” she says.
“Just one would be great. I’m on my own today.”
I don’t know why I said that.
I’m on my own every sodding day.
I must look as shit as I feel because Cath seems to take pity on me.
“Had a falling-out with someone, have you? Don’t you worry, love. There’s plenty more fish in the sea, you might just need a better net.”
Plenty of trash in the sea too.
“I’ve got a bit of leftover bacon and eggs if you’d like some? Perhaps a sausage for the dog?” Cath offers.
“Thank you. I forgot to eat yesterday after what happened.”
She shrugs. “You mean the suicide?” I nod. “Can’t let a thing like that ruin your appetite, it happens all the time. There are a lot of sad people in the world.”
Her indifference shocks me. Maybe the world would be less sad if people cared a bit more. I think of Mum and blink away the tears that are threatening to fall. I don’t know what is wrong with me today.
Everything.
“You all right, pet?” Cath asks, as though she can see inside my head.
No.
“Yes, sorry. I didn’t sleep well.”
