“Please don’t hurt my family.”
“Oh, I’m hurting your family, one by one until you tell me where the codes are. And if you don’t tell me anything I believe, you are all going to die. You last. That’s what happens when you fuck with the Mafia.”
Her stomach heaved, and she vomited on the floor in front of her.
“Pizdets,” he swore. “I thought you were a professional, Greene.”
Gabby wiped her mouth on her sleeve. “I will do anything,” she pleaded.
“What do you think, I will trade a blow job for your life?” He laughed. “You’re more naïve than I thought. I need those codes. That is all that you can do for me. If you can’t do that, then you’re done.”
“You don’t understand. I’m not even a spy. I don’t work for the fucking EOD.” She blurted out the truth in an impassioned frenzy. “I never even heard of the EOD until last week.”
He laughed. “Whatever. You’ve been working for them for months.”
“No, that was Darcy. We just happened to look alike, and when she was murdered, the EOD found me and asked me to take her place. I’m just a housewife who happens to look exactly like a double agent!” The words came out in a rush.
Smirnov stared at her with a flat expression, like he was trying to think of how to respond. Then he started laughing, first quietly, then louder. Thank god she had those white noise machines for the kids. They could sleep through anything.
“I have to hand it to you, Gabby Greene, you’re funny.” He gave her an amused look. “You might want to try writing, because that’s a pretty good story.”
“It’s true!” she yelled.
He snorted. “Go get the kids,” he told the goon who could definitely do more with his life.
“Mischa,” she pleaded, “we had a moment in the driveway the other day. I know we did. I know you are a good person. Please leave my kids out of this.” Then she turned to Smirnov. “Just give me until after the party. Kramer is meeting with Sergei Orlov there. They have to be exchanging the codes then. Give me one more chance.”
Smirnov held up a hand. “One more chance, but if you don’t deliver, I will kill your family one by one while you watch.”
Burt chose that moment to wander into the kitchen right while Smirnov was making a motion to slit someone’s throat. Oblivious, Burt pushed past the Mafia boss, who was taking up some of the space in the aisle, and grumbled about no one pushing in their chairs. “Damn kids.”
“Excuse me,” Smirnov said in a loud voice.
Burt grunted and pulled a wedgie from between his butt cheeks while he checked out the food options. The fridge light cast an eerie glow on his old, wrinkled face in the otherwise dark room.
“Who the fuck are you?” Smirnov asked Burt.
Burt rearranged a few bottles until he found the prune juice, because apparently constipation was his only concern at the moment, not the Russian Mafia literally wagging a gun at his backside.
“Hey, you!” Smirnov tried again while Burt poured himself a glass like no one was in the room with him. Did he ever notice anyone?
Smirnov repeated himself. In a loud voice, he said, “Hey, who are you?”
Burt looked around for the first time and blinked in Smirnov’sface. He threw back the prune juice like it was a shot of tequila and shook his head in disapproval. “How many boyfriends do you have, Gabby?” he asked, more judgmental than impressed, and kept moving until he got to the bottom of the stairs.
To Smirnov he said, “Make sure and use protection. This girl gets around. Just like her grandma.” Then he did finger guns with a clicky noise.
Unbelievable. Gabby stared after him with her mouth hanging open. Thanks a lot, Burt. She really needed to talk to Granny about this guy. A hot sex life at eighty—aspirational. Burt—no thank you.
“Who the fuck was that?” Smirnov asked, staring after Burt like he wasn’t sure whether to kill him. “I’m trying to threaten you, and he’s pouring a fucking glass of juice?”
“My grandmother’s new boyfriend. He’s an idiot.”
“Do you want me to take care of him? We might have beef, but I would do you this favor.” He clenched his fist and growled. “If someone was threatening my granddaughter.”
Gabby smiled. “Thanks, but I think I’ll do it myself.”
“Attagirl.” He nodded his head.
