“Your therapist?” A man’s voice cuts into the conversation, and Kobra sidles up to the table. His shirt is open to show off his python tattoo, as per usual. He’s strapped and there’s a big knife on his belt. Creepy as all get out, he says, “Boundaries are important. Some people don’t know when to stop.”
Funny coming from him…
“My therapist never shuts up about boundaries,” he says.
Other people’s boundaries, I assume. “You go to therapy, Kobra?”
He chuckles. “It’s California. Everyone goes to therapy. I got things I can’t talk to the homies about.” He takes a slow up-and-down look at my mom.
“I’m Lauren Montcalm. Mia’s mother,” she says formally.
“I’m Kobra. With a K. I’m one of her clients.”
It sounds like “With a K” is his last name.
“Clients?” My mom clearly thinks he’s a john. She can’t take her eyes off of his snake tattoo.
“For thematchmakingservice.” I lean heavily on the wordmatchmaking.“Actually, Mom, I hate to break this off but I really need to talk to Kobra and I don’t want to make you sit through it. Can we catch up again soon?”
My mom looks at Kobra and then back to me and says, “No, I’m staying as long as he is.”
Crystal, thank God, hustles over to the table. “Lauren,” she says, “I was wondering if you want a tour of the club?” I don’t think her outfit helps convince my mom that we’re not prostitutes.
“Crystal!” Kobra gives her stripper outfit a once-over. “What are you doing here? I thought you were an actress,” he says. But he stands and reaches out for her.
Then he looks at me and tips his hat. “You charged me thirty-five grand to go out with a stripper from this joint?” He starts laughing. “You crafty bitch.”
“Fuck you, Kobra,” Crystal says, practically stabbing him in the chest with one of her fake nails.
My mom’s eyes go huge. I don’t think she’s been out of Laguna Beach recently.
“Don’t worry, baby. You’re still my girl. If you can shake your booty, who am I to complain?”
Crystal cringes and makes a vomiting noise. “If you think you got a shot with me, think again. No way in hell am I shaking my booty foryou.”
“Baby, you can’t blame me for that. Sheba was hungry and I wasn’t watching. Those things happen. It was an accident.”
“You have a twenty-foot hell-snake in a cage next to your TV and crates of drugs.” She takes her attitude to full power. “Is that even the first time she killed someone?”
My mom gasps, but Kobra ignores her. “Pedro musta been messing with her. He was high as fuck.”
I can see it now. Pedro was passed out in the corner and Kobra let his python out to impress Crystal.
“It’s illegal to own those things. You should be in jail.”
“Baby, you don’t understand. That snake’s an easy keeper. All you have to do is feed her once a month.”
“Feed her what, your friends?”
“Pedro wasn’t a friend.”
“Like that makes it okay to feed him to your snake.”
Kobra makes a face that suggests he thinks it was probably okay. “The snake always knows best. It’s just a miracle that she didn’t eat you. I think God was with us that day. She always spares the true and righteous.”
The bootylicious—because let’s get real, Kobra.66
Crystal gives him anare you crazy?look and says, “You know what I think, Kobra?”
