I make a face like I’m about to barf and Max says, “Stop being an asshole.”
“You gotta let girls know you’re hot for them. That’s how relationships work.”
OMG. Kobra giving relationship advice. “Let’s get on with it. Why did you want to meet?”
“You know why. Crystal.”
Fucking Crystal! My head is going to explode. What is it with this chick?
“I paid to go out with her. I expected her to answer my calls after. Did I pay thirty-five grand for one date?”
“If you were acting like this, I understand why Crystal didn’t take your calls after.”
“Well, I want to see her again. As is, I’m not a satisfied customer.”
“You are—no,were—a client, not a customer. You’re not buying a woman. You’re paying me to give you an opportunity to form a real connection. It appears that you alreadyblew that. And I’m not surprised. Not to mention, why does it have to be her?” Not that I’ll set this freak up with anyone, except the police.
“She’s gorgeous, street-smart—everything I’m looking for in a woman. You matched me up perfectly.”
Funny he should say that, given that I seem to be matching Crystal with everyone. “That’s nice of you to say but I’ve fulfilled my part of the contract and so did Crystal.”
He pulls out a Crown Royal bag and scoots it across the table to me. “I think you’ll change your mind if you take a peek in there. You and Crystal split that up however you want. I want another date.”
I pull the golden draw cord. Inside, I find wads of hundred-dollar bills, maybe two or three packs, which I happen to know hold ten grand apiece. That makes it at least twenty thousand dollars.32
While I’m gaping at the money, which looks like the real-life version of the money bag emoji, he looks toward the counter. “Did you see the pastries here? I’m dying for a slice of pie to go with this coffee.”
He’s about to flag down the barista and seems genuinely concerned about what kind of pie he might be able to find here. I cut him off. In as badass a voice as I can manage, I say, “If Crystal doesn’t want to see you, she doesn’t want to see you. You’re done. I am no longer your matchmaker. You’re fired.”
Instead of responding to me, he looks at Max. “You hitting that, dude?” He gestures to me. “I gotta say, I’m getting a little turned on. I hate the timid ones. If you want to go out instead of Crystal, I’ll take it under consideration.”
Ugh. I’m going to vomit.
“Word of advice, sugar,” Kobra says. “You gotta know when your hoes are done. If Crystal’s not pulling her weight, she’s past her shelf life. You can’t run her anymore.”
“Eww! I’m not a pimp!” I throw the bag of money at his head. Hard. He ducks and it flies past him. “Asshole!” I scream. “No wonder Crystal won’t call you back! You’re. The. Worst!”
Kobra turns to see cash flying out of the bag. The other diners in the courtyard look on in total amazement, and a woman sipping a latte puts her mug down and looks like she might stand and make a run for the bag. Kobra sees her out of the corner of his eye and screams “You’re a crazy bitch!” at me before running for the money.
Max grabs my shoulder and says, “Let’s get out of here,” in a voice that is 190 proof, only-Poland-makes-that-kinda-alcohol serious. I thought he was focused before, but all of his intensity has been distilled into laser-like focus on getting out of the coffee shop before the police come or Kobra decides to bite.33I agree.
On the way to the bank Max is quiet. After a moment, he says, “Do you think there’s any way that Crystal is dead?”
“She can’t be…” I start to say. “I don’t think so, anyway. She answered my call on Thursday afternoon and told me to leave her alone.”
Max seems satisfied. “I’m sure she’s fine, then.”
“Probably. She might not mind if I was dead, though.” Kobra was so awful. I can’t believe I knew he was that bad before I sent Crystal on a date with him.
“He can probably be charming when he wants to be. Most assholes can.”
“Can you believe he called me a pimp?”
“You’re not a pimp.”
“I know, right?”
Not a pimp. I’m just hooking girls up with sugar daddies. That’s…maybe not like United Nations—approved charity work, but it’s not pimping. I just have to get some better sugar daddies. Like Jules. Crystal will love him, if I can just find her.
