“I feel so spoiled,” I admitted. “You really didn’t have to do this.”
“But I wanted to.”
I glanced up and met his eyes. They were sparkling and intense. He seemed genuinely happy that I was pleased. After a moment, he looked away, blushing. He lifted his glass of wine. “To our futures. May they be bright, and what we want them to be.”
I lifted my glass to his and drank deep.
When we finished eating, we lay on the blanket and stared up at the sky drowsily. I wedged into the crook of Henri’s arm as I watched clouds lazily drift across the sky.
“Henri,” I said after a while.
“Yes?”
“I’ve been meaning to ask you for a while now. I don’t want to spoil the mood, but I have to know—what are those injections for? Why do they make you so sick?”
I studied Henri, noting his throat bob as he swallowed hard. “I don’t want to talk about it. Please.”
I searched him for another moment, then sighed. “Very well.” Henri had never been one to divulge family secrets, no matter how I tried. I wasn’t really expecting it to be any different now.
“But I’m not … it’s just medicine. I have to go through that to stay healthy, but Iamfine. We all are.”
“It’s a disorder that runs in your family?”
Henri smiled, a bittersweet smile. “Yeah. It runs in the family alright.”
I nodded and patted his hand. He grabbed it and squeezed it tightly. “I’ve never met anyone like you, Emile. I hope you know how truly special you are.”
“You’re special too.” I turned to face him, and he also turned so that we were looking into each other’s eyes. “Once one gets past that wall you’ve put up to protect yourself, you’re really sweet and thoughtful.” I reached out and ran a hand back through his hair.
And then I kissed him.
I didn’t realize what I was doing until it was done. My lips found his and I felt an electricity thrum through me. It was a slow and sensual kiss that made me want to touch more of him, which I did. My hands found his chest and his arms, his back. We pressed close to one another, unable to get enough until we were both out of breath and panting for air. Even then, I only allowed enough room for breath between us. I stared into his eyes, shining and so tender that they melted my last reserves.
“Henri,” I managed.
The next kiss lingered. Time seemed to lose all meaning, coming to that single point where our lips touched. It was a sensation like nothing I’d felt before. Not even with Bram.
When I next pulled away, I swallowed hard, feeling as if I’d made some sort of discovery about the world, ormyworld, at least.
“Emile,” Henri said. “I … I want you to know how sorry I am for my past behavior. I was a brute and I took advantage of you when we first met.” He ran a hand back through his hair. “I’ve been very lonely for a very long time, and I just wanted something for once in my life. It was wrong of me, and I apologize.”
I nodded slowly, absorbing his words, unsure if I could absolve him of his actions so easily.
As if reading my mind, he sighed. “I know that’s not enough. I will show you that I’ve changed. And I …” He grabbed my hand, and I gazed down at it briefly before meeting his intense eyes. “You make me want to be a better man, Emile. I’m trying. I think you bring the best out in me, and I want you to know that I will continue to do better.”
I was moved by his words, and an aching in my chest made me want to match his words with a confession of my own, yet I couldn’t bring myself to admit I’d been manipulating him myself.
“Well,” Henri licked his lips and turned away, glancing down at his watch. “It’s getting rather late.” He sat up and began to gather the remains from our feast. I watched him for a moment, wondering if I could begin anew with Henri. I could see him trying, and I did consider him my friend now. Yet I was still trying to use him for my own ends. Between the two of us, perhaps I was the worst in this scenario, and that made me feel uneasy.
I watched the fog roll in that night, thick and otherworldly, blanketing the grounds around Château le Blanc like floodwaters. It swallowed the grass and the drive so that it looked as if the whole world was being erased.
After our kiss, Henri and I had avoided each other for the rest of the day. He hadn’t even been able to meet my eyes at supper. I wondered what it meant. For my part, I was trying to sort through my feelings, my mind spinning in circles as it tended to do when I had to reflect on matters of the heart. With distance, I wondered if it hadn’t been the circumstances that had made me feel something more for Henri. Sometimes my heart seemed a fickle thing, for I found myself longing for Bram once more. All this time spent in Henri’s company was unfair to Bram, and I wondered if it was because I was unable to see Valancourt that my esteem for him had receded. Because when I was in his presence, I felt a glow in my chest, something radiant. I’d felt something with Henri, but it had been different. Different and similar at the same time. But even as I thought of Bram, I couldn’t get that kiss with Henri out of my mind. Weeks in his company and we’d never kissed. Was what I’d felt just the culmination of a month’s longing to feel his lips upon mine? My whole body had responded, and I wanted to kiss him again.
I groaned and put a hand to my head. I was hopeless. What did Iwant?
I read from the book I’d liberated from the apothecary as a diversion from my thoughts. I rather admired the strength of the goddesses, and was drawn especially to Artemis, who was gentle and sensitive but also fierce and tenacious. But I still wasn’t learning anything noteworthy, which was frustrating.
Feeling restless, I wandered through the dark halls of the château before stepping out onto the balcony to get some air. I stared over the edge to the ground below to get a better look at the fog, swirling like a living thing. I got the impression that it wanted to swallow me whole.
