“Like it’s forever. Or maybe it’s not. Not always. But still.”
“Does it make you feel like you’ll never see the person again?” he asked.
“Sort of.”
I could tell he was trying to understand, that he really wanted to, so I explained further. “I’ve never forgiven my mother for up and disappearing without telling me bye. She just ran away. Maybe that’s it. I’m aware of how silly that is, that it doesn’t make any sense. Even I can’t really understand it, but it’s just the way I am.”
“Sure.”
“Sorry for being so complicated.”
He got up and pulled me into a hug. “I like you being complicated.”
“Liar.”
“I really do. Trying to unravel you is super-interesting, it’s like trying to solve some complicated puzzle.”
“What if you never do?”
“It’s fine,” he said. “There’s nothing sexier than a woman of mystery.”
I think that was the first time I realized I had fallen in love.
For that matter, it was the first time I had fallen in love.
For real.
Because the sensation was utterly new.
Lucas was what love meant for me.
43
People are nothing but layer after layer of secrets. Motives hidden in our hearts that we’re too scared to share. And yet we expect everyone else to trust us fully, not to hold back, to take a leap of faith with their eyes closed.
44
We all find moments in life when control slips from our hands. Sometimes we see them coming and we manage to get a grip in time. Sometimes we’re paralyzed and there’s nothing we can do. I was in one of those, surrounded by chaos, knocked totally off balance. Unsure what to hold on to, flapping my arms and legs, but nothing could keep me from hitting the ground.
And so, in one of those moments, you hold on to the one thing that’s left: fear. The most chaotic instinct we have.
I should have seen it coming. But I didn’t pick up on the details. The insecure looks.
The doubts.
“The pas de deux between Alice and Jack has to be spectacular. The sautés perfect, the turns dramatic, and we need elevés!” Giulio said as he knotted his sweatpants a second time.
It was a Sunday morning and we were on the patio at the villa working on choreography for the ballet. Christmas was still three months away, but we wanted everything ready as quickly as possible so the kids could have time to rehearse.
“We should keep the elevés simple, Giulio. They still don’t know what they’re doing,” I replied.
“You’re too soft. Come on! Diagonal, three piqués, promenade, pirouette, pirouette, and porté…” He lifted me up.
I rose as high as possible, arched my back against the hand that was holding me, and began a slow descent until he caught me in his arms.
“Perfect.” He sighed.
He hugged me and I hugged him back with closed eyes, then walked shyly to the table and took a sip of water. I saw Dante doing yoga under the tree. He looked like he was concentrating. Lucas had been napping in the deck chair in the sun, but had disappeared.
