“Just give me a minute to get used to it,” I said.
“Don’t think about it. It doesn’t make it any easier.”
I took a deep breath and jumped in, and the salty water covered me up to my scalp. I came up for a breath and laughed reflexively. ThenI looked around for Lucas, but I couldn’t see him anywhere until he popped up just ten inches away and splashed me.
“Hey!”
I splashed him back and we took turns dunking each other, just like two little kids. But we were adults, and this was just an excuse for us to touch each other. He put his hands on my waist; I rested mine on his chest. At another point, he grabbed me from behind, and I felt his stomach on my back as our legs intertwined.
We swayed back and forth with each other, and I wasn’t sure whether we were still trying to pretend something wasn’t happening or not. With the passing of minutes, we finally dared to look at each other. It felt like the first time. His eyes looked gray under the light, and I noticed the tiny droplets clinging to his eyelids and the reflections of the sun on his brown hair. When a wave came through, the water would wash over his lips.
More people showed up, and we decided to get out of the water. I lay on my towel and closed my eyes, feeling the heat of the sun. Lucas sat down beside me. I heard him digging around in his backpack, and then I heard the sound of the lighter. The crackle of burning tobacco. Inhale, exhale.
“When did you start smoking?”
“In college. Then I quit for a few years, then I got hooked again.”
“You should quit. It’s bad for you, and it stinks.”
“Yes, Mom.”
“No one likes to kiss an ashtray,” I said.
His stare seemed to weigh down on me as he asked, “Oh…were you thinking of kissing me?”
“What would make you think that?”
“Well, you implied it.”
“I didn’t though,” I told him.
“Well, if you change your mind…”
“What?” I asked. “You’ll stop smoking?”
“It might motivate me.”
“Where’s my motivation?”
“I’m one hell of a kisser,” he affirmed.
He lay down beside me and I soaked in the sun, listening to the murmur of the sea and smelling the salt breeze and Lucas’s masculine scent.
“How long are you going to stay?” he blurted out.
I opened my eyes and looked over, seeing him there in profile, and asked if he was planning on kicking me out.
“Nah,” he replied. “Just curious.”
“I don’t know. I hope that’s not a problem.”
“Not in the least. Stay as long as you like. I mean that.”
Was he asking me or just letting me know that I could? Because there was something slightly urgent in that wordstay. He closed his eyes and I turned up to the sky, and for a long time, we said nothing as our arms lay at our sides and our hands so nearly touched.
And our breathing rose and fell like the waves.
29
