I could see in their eyes how much they adored each other, and their bodies showed it, too: the way they were always trying to touch each other, whether it was holding hands or just brushing shoulders lightly. They were in love. It was beautiful to see two people so close. At the same time, it made me bitter.
Marco walked over with a dish of grilled vegetables and meat, and I used this as an excuse to walk away, wondering if I was wrong. Giulio was gay, in a long-term relationship. Maybe I’d only seen my father in those photos of him because I’d wanted to, needed to.
Maybe—but that wasn’t everything. He had known my mother. They might have been together. People changed, their needs changed. And I still needed to know. Now more than ever.
20
“Don’t make me feel even stupider,” I groaned.
On the other line, Matías was trying to stop himself from laughing.
“I’m sorry, Maya, but it’s a stupid question. Of course you can be gay and be a father. You know my first time was almost with a girl?”
Excuse me?I sat up in bed, holding the phone tight to my ear. “You never told me that,” I said.
“I was sixteen. I was spending the summer with my grandmother in Gijón. One day I sort of suggested to her I might like guys, and she didnottake it well. She’s very religious, and she started talking to me about how God had created men and women to be together, and anything else was a perversion, and lust was a mortal sin and so on. And that made me question myself and the whole thing drove me crazy. I had to go out with a girl, I thought, like that was going to be the solution. And it was then that Paula showed up. She liked me, and she wasn’t shy about letting me know. So we hooked up.”
“Are you for real?” I asked, not because I doubted it, but because Matías had always been so sure of himself and his sexuality that it was impossible to imagine him questioning himself. And one thing I had never seen was him taking interest in a girl.
“Yes, for real, we hooked up, and one night we almost went all the way. At the last minute, I got cold feet, but we were almost there.”
“Wow…”
I went to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water. I took little sips of it and looked at the sky through the open window. Matías went on talking.
“There are people who need time to figure out what they want, and others who know from the beginning but cover it up by engaging in hetero relationships. Maybe Giulio slept with your mother, freaked out when she got pregnant, and that’s what made him realize what he really wanted, and now he’s married to a guy. The real question is, what are you going to do now?”
“I guess I’ll stay here until I find a good opportunity to talk to him.”
“So you’re not in a rush…”
I walked to the living room and lay down on the sofa. Lucas had left before I got up, and I was able to relish the silence. It was so nice, having all that space to myself.
“I like this place, Matías. It’s like another world. Time passes differently here, slower. It’s so calm. And the people… Everyone I’ve met is just amazing, and Giulio’s family… You can’t imagine what they’re like, but they don’t resemble mine at all, and that’s a huge relief. What if Catalina was my grandmother? I barely know her and I like her so much already. There’s nothing wrong with me just embracing that and riding it out for a little while, is there?”
“Of course not,” Matías said. “But be careful. Maybe Giulio is your dad, but maybe he isn’t, and I don’t want you to get too wrapped up in that idea. Just in case, you know.”
“Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing.”
“OK, then talk to me about the important stuff. This Lucas, is he hot?”
I covered my eyes with my arm and sighed. “I’m not going to answer that question.”
“OK, so he is. That’s what I wanted to hear. You’re a grown woman now, and I know you don’t need me telling you what to do, but use a condom and don’t put anything in your mouth that I wouldn’t.”
“Matías!”
“What?” he replied innocently. “You’ve repeated his name thirty times in the last five minutes, so it’s obvious you like him. And I know how much you need to have fun, experiment, maybe try a regular old fling for once. So promise me you will, and promise me you’ll tell me all the dirty details.”
“I’m not promising that.”
“Fine, I’ll take a video instead.”
Matías always cracked me up with those remarks. He never hesitated to step over the line, and I loved him for it.
We said our goodbyes and I took a shower. After getting dressed and eating breakfast, I walked around the apartment, turned on the TV, and wasted half an hour watching a talent show. Then I grabbed the keys, walked out the front door, and took a stroll around back to the garden. The sun was shining in the cloudless sky, and I could already tell it would be a hot day. A grating sound was coming from the trees, constant and monotonous, and I looked up into them trying to find the source of it.
“It’s locusts,” Roy announced from his wicker chair in the shade. He was wearing a white suit and a beige shirt with a Panama hat and a pair of printed cloth slip-on shoes.
