“I don’t know. I didn’t really have options, either. There was never any notion of things going a different way until they did. Everything fell apart, and now I don’t know what to do or what I want to be. My life is like a boat adrift.” I didn’t bother to conceal the fear and frustration I felt about my situation as I told him this.
“Yeah, but what’s the rush?” he asked.
That threw me off, and I struggled to find the words to describe how uneasy I felt without my stability and my routine. I felt secure knowing when I got up in the morning I had a purpose, a plan, an agenda. It had been that way all my life, and now I felt I was nothing without it.
“I’m not in a rush,” I replied. “I just… I don’t know.”
Lucas walked around in front of me, stopping me, and I felt pierced by his eyes, as if they were looking for something and failing to understand it.
“Have you ever let yourself be guided by what you want and not what’s expected of you?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean living according to your instincts, according to what your body wants from you.”
The answer was yes, I had. Once. I’d bet everything on a hunch. A dream that never was anything more than a dream. And because of that dream, I lost other things that would matter much more later.
“What if my instincts suck?” I asked.
“They don’t.”
“How do you know?”
“Because instincts come from inside you. That means theyareyou. And if you’re truly in touch with yourself, you can’t be wrong about what you want.” He looked over my shoulder and pointed to something with his chin. I turned around and saw we were in front of a pastry shop. He continued, “See that chocolate cake?”
On a platter with a glass top was a dark chocolate cake with raspberries. It looked delicious.
“Yes.”
Leaning close and whispering in my ear, he said, “As soon as I saw it, I felt it: instinct, impulse, desire. I could feel that cake in my stomach, in my mouth. I want a piece. It’s tempting me, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’ll enjoy it.”
“I don’t know what you’re getting at.”
But I felt his breath on me, hot, and smelled his hair, and everything about him was so close… I could have pulled away, but I didn’t. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but it was strange…tempting.
He lowered his voice, “I could pay attention to that impulse, go inside, and buy a piece, eat it and lick my lips and gobble up every last crumb. Or I could convince myself that I don’t actually need it. I could tell myself it will spoil my supper and an apple is way healthier. Fewer calories, no saturated fats. I mean, Iamgetting older and thosearethe things people worry about. Maybe I should turn around and walk away, even though I want that piece of cake more than anything in the world.”
Looking at his profile, the outline of his jaw, I could feel my heart racing. This guy I barely knew had reduced my entire life to the image of an apple, and worst of all…he was right! I wanted that cake! I always had! And I’d always refused it to myself!
“I want the cake,” I said with a sigh.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I don’t care if everyone wants me to eat the apple, I want the cake, and that’s all that matters.”
“Give it a shot, then, Maya. Try it, let go. You might be surprised by all you find out about yourself if you do. Who knows? You may even learn who you want to be.”
For the first time I could remember, I felt a weight being lifted offmy chest. I turned to the shop window, then to Lucas, whose handsome lips were tugging upward, and in his eyes, there was something impossible to resist.
“Fine, I’ll try it.”
He looked over a moment and said, “Cool, I’ll be right back.”
He walked into the pastry shop while I stood there, thinking about the conversation we’d just had. I’d known him for less than twenty-four hours, and I’d already shared thoughts with him I’d never shared with anyone before. Never had anyone made me feel so safe that I could just open up like that. And I couldn’t find an explanation for why. Two strangers just shouldn’t trust each other that way. But there I was, feeling closer to him than I did to people I’d known my entire life.
19
Night was falling when Lucas knocked at my door.
