“OK.” My nerves were making me need to pee, and squeezing my thighs together, I asked, “Can I use the bathroom?”
“Sure. There are towels in the closet in there, too, if you want to take a shower. Make yourself at home.”
“Thanks.”
I tossed my purse on the bed, took out my shower kit and a T-shirt and underwear, and went inside. I don’t know how long I sat there on the toilet, pants and panties around my knees, face buried in my hands. I was exhausted, and that was the first time all day that I had finally felt comfortable and relaxed. In the bathroom of a stranger, of all places—a man I was staying with because he’d taken pity on me.
I looked in the mirror. I needed that shower, all right. My hair was knotty and frayed. I stripped, pulled back the shower curtain, got inside and let the water run till it was hot, then stayed there for a good long while. I don’t know why, but I decided to use Lucas’s coconut shampoo, and the smell of it made my pulse race. I could have asked myself why—why it aroused such feelings in me—but I decided not to.
When I came out, all the lights were off except for a small lamp on the sideboard. I could hear Lucas breathing deeply and evenly inhis bedroom. When I walked into my room, I found he’d made the bed and left a quilt doubled over the chair. The sweetheart.
I plugged my phone charger in, turned off the light, and got in bed. The scent of lemons and jasmine came in through the window. It was silent except for the murmur of the wind shaking the trees and water in what must have been a fountain. It was so relaxing, and I balled up and closed my eyes.
I felt weariness overtake my body.
I felt sleep gathering around me.
I felt tears stinging my eyes.
A knot in my throat.
And like that, I fell asleep.
15
When I woke, the sun was pouring through the windows. I opened my eyes and looked up at the ceiling fan. White. Everything in that room was: the ceiling, the walls, the windows, the curtains…
I liked that.
I sat up and rested my feet on the floor, wiggling my toes and staring down at them, surprised not to see broken nails or bloody blisters. And they didn’t hurt the way they had when I practiced every day, even if they were still ugly. Deformed.
I found some socks in my suitcase, slipped them on, and opened my messages on my phone. Matías had written me early that morning, and another text from an unknown number had insisted on talking to me and had begged for another chance. I erased that one. I saw the little photo of my mother in the list of chats, and touched it, though I knew the harsh reality that awaited me.
A question without an answer.
An eloquent silence.
Once again, the confirmation of a certainty.
I erased the message I’d written her. Then I erased her number, too. Fuck her. I was over it. Over her. Over a family that had never been a true family to me. Over everything and everyone.
I threw open the window. The sun shone bright and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. The sight was so perfect, it was like a picture postcard. Looking out, I witnessed an explosion—there’s no other word for it—of shapes, colors, and scents, so varied my senses couldn’t keep track of them.
There was so much to look at that my eyes didn’t know where to pause: on the flowers in their assorted pots, on the stone fountain shaped like a woman’s body, on the cypresses bordering the wall with their strong smell of resin, on the grapevines with their clusters of green grapes on the trellises, or on the chirping birds hopping from place to place.
That garden was a fantasia.
A scene from a fairy tale.
I leaned out a little further, and my hand slid on the windowsill, my phone slipping through my fingers.
“No!” It fell into a bush, bounced, and disappeared. “No, no, no, no, no!”
Half my life was on that phone. Instinctively, I hurried out, down the stairs, and into the vestibule, jerking the door open and dashing out. I reached the bush, which was gigantic and covered in tiny blue flowers, and pulled apart the branches, sinking half my torso inside as I searched.
With a sigh of relief, I found my phone intact.
“Va tutto bene?” a man’s voice asked behind me.
