“Honestly, for a long time, I didn’t, either. I always thought it was my fault. Now I know otherwise.”
“So what are you doing? Heading back to Madrid?”
“No,” I said. “I’ve still got to see someone.”
It had been four months now since I’d set out on my journey. It had its bad days, its sad days, its complicated ones. But there were also happy days, marvelous days when I learned how to live, to dream, to discover how small things can turn to big ones.
It was a journey that hadn’t yet ended, and who knew if it ever would.
Because getting to know yourself can take a lifetime.
Because some journeys take you deeper and deeper into yourself, and inside your heart is an entire universe.
65
I walked through the train cars till I found the least crowded one, then flopped down, and soon I was asleep, faintly aware of the conversations of the other passengers around me.
Trains had a sedative effect on me, I’d realized. My mind would think of nothing, and soon I’d fall asleep. And I was scared to think just then. Scared of hesitating. Scared of reaching the end and regretting it. My longings had already made me suffer enough.
I arrived at the station in Murcia, and the PA announced the regional train headed to Águilas. I ran with my bags to the ticket counter as I heard the message:Local train for Lorca-Águilas, departing from Zone C, Track 2.
“Shit!”
I snatched away my ticket, stuffed it between my teeth, and ran off, making it in just before the doors slammed closed.
Breathless, with a pain in my ribs, I sat on the floor between two cars, where I remained a moment, thinking about how this was my last stop on this trip. I felt the most terrible anxiety, like a rope tightening around me as I asked myself whether I was really ready for what I was about to do. Probably not, but probably there would never be a perfect time.
After a few minutes, my legs stopped twitching, and I looked for a free window seat.
I’d turned off my phone that morning. Now I took it out and turned it back on. Several notifications came through, none of them from Lucas. I didn’t know what to think or feel about that—or everything I thought and felt was contradictory.
Had I really expected him to contact me after the way I had run off? And why would he? So I could hurt him by not giving him the answer he needed, telling him no, there was no way I’d go back and wait for him?
Maybe I did want him to do that, just so I’d know that I mattered to him, that he hadn’t given up on me like so many others.
But he had.
I put away my phone, leaned my head on the window, and stared at the countryside passing by.
As we passed from station to station, thoughts and emotions flooded me, and I didn’t know what to do with all that chaos. What if this was the worst idea I’d ever had? So what, I reminded myself. It wasn’t like I had anything to lose.
The grain fields and hothouses thinned out and gave way to the first buildings of the town, and soon the train was making its last stop in Águilas. I grabbed my bags and got out. There was a clock in the station that told me it was a quarter to nine. In the sky, I could already see stars, and they seemed to whisper to me that what I was doing was insane. To start with, I didn’t even know where to go. All I had was the photo of a town and a couple of photos I’d found on Instagram. I’d probably end up spending the night on the beach. Except this time, there would be no blue-eyed boy with a precious smile who would swoop down and come to my aid.
“Calabardina, please,” I told my taxi driver.
“Street?”
“Uh, just a sec.” I slid my finger across my phone screen and found what I was looking for, turning my phone sideways so he could see. “This place.”
The taxi driver, a man around thirty, squinted at the photo with his dark eyes, lifted his brows in confusion, and scratched his chin. “You know, Calabardina’s not small, I don’t know every street or house. If you had an address, maybe…”
“Sure.” I bit my lip, nervous. “Wait, I’ve got more. Let’s see if any of these ring a bell.” I showed him the rest of the photos to see if anything looked familiar to him.
He smiled and nodded. “I think I know where the place you’re looking for is.”
“Amazing!” I shouted. “Is it really far from here?”
“Eight miles, maybe.”
