Maybe I was thinking of tomorrow, and he only saw now.
There was Lucas, his family, and me. And one of us had to go.
I gathered my things. I couldn’t do it anymore. I felt a sharp pain in my ribs. I was having a panic attack. I knew it. And in my head, I kept telling myself it would pass. It always did.
Acting more determined than I felt, I walked into the spare bedroom where there was a desktop computer and a printer. Telling myself I’d use my head this time, that I’d think before acting, that I’d plan as coldly as I could, I clicked through the links. I selected my origin and destination. I checked the schedule. I bought a ticket for the first train headed out the next morning. Then I called Matías.
“I’m going. Alone. But I promise you, I’m not running away this time.”
“Where are you going?”
“You know where. You’re the one who gave me the idea. I’m going to be brave. I’m going to swim on my own.”
“That’s my girl,” he said.
I smiled to myself. “I don’t know if it’s going to work. Maybe it will blow up in my face. But what I know is I need to learn to love myself. And that’s all I need right now.”
“And I know you’ll do it, babe. You’ll fall in love with every part of yourself. Because you’re marvelous.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too, dummy,” he said. “Be careful now. And call me every day.”
“I’ll call youalmostevery day,” I said.
And hearing him starting to tell me off softly, I let him go with the words, “See you soon.”
61
I woke up to the sound of rain drumming the windows. I didn’t move for a minute. I just listened to that soft plunking sound and looked over at the empty side of the bed. I reached out and rested a hand on his pillow.
Slowly, the room was brightening.
I needed to go if I didn’t want to miss the train.
I dragged my bags to the door and took one last look at the place to be sure I wasn’t forgetting anything. Of course, there was one thing I was leaving behind, but I had to. I didn’t know how to say goodbye. I couldn’t call him. Because he’d ask me to stay, to wait for him, and I knew I’d end up giving in.
For the same reason, I couldn’t send a message.
And so I did the cowardly thing. The thing that eased my conscience without forcing me to take a serious step.
I looked for a piece of paper and something to write with, and I tried to translate into ink the emotions that were overwhelming me, the hard edges that cut and jabbed me, opening wounds through which my dreams, my yearnings, and my hopes were trickling out.
I’m sorry, Lucas, but I can’t stay. Not like this. It isn’t fair to either of us. We’re going in opposite directions, and dragging this out is hurting us. You matter too much to me, and I think this is the best thing for you. For me. For both of us.
Thank you for these months. They’ve made me more me than I’ve ever been.
Thanks for taking me in and letting this happen.
Take care of yourself.
I reread the note and left it on the bed, taking one look back to store away that apartment and the moments that had occurred inside it. Then I dropped my keys on the table, walked out, and closed the door.
The taxi was already waiting for me when I walked outside. I got in and turned off my phone.
It was still raining, and the streets were slick, looking blurred through the window, with little gleams of light. Inside me, everything was silence.
The taxi soon left me at Atocha Station. The morning trains were arriving, and people were all over, rushing toward the exits to head to work. I checked the time. I still had forty minutes till my departure.
