I’d been trying to hold the tears back, but now there was no point. “End what, Matías? We may look like a couple from the outside, but in reality, we’re nothing. Every day when he walks out, he makes a choice, and that choice is not to stay with me.”
“You need to tell him this, Maya. Everything you’ve told me. He needs to know that you love him and that losing him is hurting you.”
I shook my head, voice cracking, and said, “I can’t.”
“Why?”
“Because I’ve spent my whole life begging for others’ affections, struggling to deserve them, and losing myself in the process. And for once, I need to feel that I matter. I want to be someone else’s priority. And I want to know that I am, understand?”
Matías took my hand and guided me to my feet, hugging me and resting his chin on my shoulder. He asked me if I wanted him to tell me the truth, and I nodded, wiping my nose on my sleeve. He went on, “You’re right, Lucas needs to resolve some things before he can move on. And he’s got to do it on his own. But the same is true of you.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve got problems of your own, and until you get out from under that weight on your shoulders, you can’t be with Lucas or anyone else. He’s not your life preserver, and you’re not his, all right? You have to learn to swim on your own. If you don’t, one day you’ll end up drowning each other.”
“What do I do then? How do I break free?” I cried, striking myself in the chest from frustration.
“Be brave, Maya. But be selfish, too. Stop bowing your head and waiting for instructions from someone else. Ask questions. Shout. Make demands. Get mad. Blow up. Let out everything you were holding onto.”
I knew what he was doing. He was pushing me toward the edge of a cliff. To a place I’d been scared to approach on my own. In his arms, as we dried each other’s tears, I knew that he was right, that this was the only way.
Go back.
To the beginning.
No matter how scared I was of hitting the wall.
No matter how much I wanted to stay.
Because I was drowning.
Because I was starting to hate Lucas as much as I loved him, and he didn’t deserve that.
He didn’t.
But I knew leaving meant going back when there were no more stars left to count.
59
I found Lucas sitting on the couch in one of his suits. He was wearing a tie this time, and his briefcase was at his feet. It was almost ten and he hadn’t left. I guess he was waiting for me. He looked lost. Vulnerable. That was the worst thing. Knowing that, without wanting to, I had manipulated him with my attitude, my moods. That I was another obligation. One more thing that was demanding something from him.
It wasn’t fair for either of us.
Our world was tipped off its axis and we couldn’t manage to set it aright. Sorrento had been a dream, a wonderful dream, and we’d been determined to keep it alive in a Madrid full of ghosts and memories that wouldn’t leave us in peace.
A mirage.
A fantasy starting to crumble.
I tried to pull myself together as I walked into the living room. Lucas didn’t say anything. The silence was painful, deafening, for both of us. He grabbed his briefcase and stood.
“I need to go,” he said, passing by me. “I just wanted to make sure you were OK.”
“I’m fine. I’m sorry I worried you.”
He stopped and turned and took a deep breath. He was angry. I could tell from the wrinkles in his forehead and the way he was clenching his jaw. He knew I was angry, too. We would only go on hurting each other, I was certain of it, unless we found a way to communicate.
He turned back and stared, and though it was hard to look, I did, and I felt his presence, powerful, painful, seeping into me. He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead into mine. “We need to talk, Maya,” he said.
