“I told you, I wouldn’t let her in.”
He looked up into a tree that was rising over us in someone’s yard. I knew he had something he wanted to say, and I was thinking the same thing: In many things, he and I were exactly alike. Claudia, with her sweet little face and her big eyes, was bad news: malicious, and a pro at sowing misunderstandings when she felt like it.
“Maya, all we did is talk, I promise. She’s been chasing me down ever since I got here, and I finally folded. I thought it was the best thing that I’d give her what she wanted and she’d leave me alone.”
“So whatdidshe want?”
“She wanted to justify everything that happened, ask me to forgive her…and I did. I told her I was over it. I told her whatever I thought she wanted to hear to put all this behind us for once. I’m tired, OK? I’m tired of feeling uncomfortable every time I see her. I want to go to my parents’ house without worrying I might find her there, because whether I like it or not, she’s part of my family. I’m doing the best that I can…”
“So you say,” I told him.
He rubbed the back of his neck. “She fucked my life up, OK? And I used to hate her for it. But now…I just don’t feel anything. Pity, I guess. Do you believe me?”
“I don’t have any reason to doubt you, Lucas.”
“I’m just trying to make things right for everyone. Do the right thing. Even if I don’t always know what that is.”
“It’s fine.” I bridged the distance between us and cupped his face.
“I don’t want you to be mad at me, Maya.”
“I’m not mad at you. It’s just everything: the situation, being alone… I’ve basically had my arms crossed for two weeks and I don’tknow what I should do, I don’t even know if Madrid is an option for me.”
“Well, for me it isn’t,” he said. “I’ve been thinking about selling the apartment even. This is temporary. I’m not staying here.”
Those words helped me pull myself together. They gave me hope. I didn’t want to lose him. I wanted to stay with him. I wanted to find some corner of the world where we could just be, where we could let life happen. That was all I needed.
“Are you telling the truth?” I asked him.
“Yeah. But Dad said something, and he’s right: It’s not a good time to sell. I should probably wait a few months.”
“So you are making progress, you and him.”
“I’m trying,” Lucas said. “I just need you to hold on a little bit. My father will go back home soon and he’ll take up the reins again. My sister will help him. She’s more qualified than I am, and now he seems ready to let her be part of the business.”
“He wasn’t before?”
Lucas shrugged. “He’s always been a little sexist in that way. But I guess almost dying changed his perspective. What I mean with all this is…that I love being with you, and I don’t want to fuck up what we have.”
“What do we have then, Lucas?” I asked.
“This. You and me.”
I didn’t like that answer.
It wasn’t enough.
But I didn’t push it.
And by letting it slide, I allowed all my doubts to overtake me again. The insecurities that consumed me a little more every day. I should have opened up to him. That I didn’t was my fault.
I let him hold me, but I didn’t say a word.
56
The morning sunlight was glowing through the curtains when I woke. I opened my eyes, expecting to find Lucas next to me, but his side of the bed was empty and his clothes were gone from the chair where he’d laid them.
He was getting up earlier and earlier every morning.
