At least I’d be seeing Matías that night for dinner. He wanted me to meet Rubén. And it was the perfect moment to introduce him to Lucas, who had promised he’d come along.
My phone rang, forcing me to drag myself out of bed. It was Fyodora. We decided to meet for lunch at a place close to the conservatory. When I got there, she was already at a table waiting for me. She got up to hug me, and I took the chair next to her, holding her hand on top of the tablecloth.
We ordered and brought each other up to date on our lives: whatItaly was like, what was happening with Lucas and Giulio. How badly things had ended, the reason I’d suddenly come back.
She told me this was her last year as teacher at the conservatory. She was also leaving behind her post as répétiteuse at the ballet. She didn’t have the same energy as before. Her body wasn’t as agile. She was looking forward to retirement. She needed to spend time with her family.
“I could propose you take over for me. You’d be good at it.”
“As répétiteuse? But I’m not trained for that!”
“You have everything you need, and as long as you’re careful, your injuries won’t hold you back. If I can still do it, you could do it a thousand times better. We could try.”
“Listen, it’s an opportunity,” I said. “I won’t argue with you about that.”
“It’s a job, Maya. It means stability, independence, a future doing something you love.”
“I don’t know, though, Fyodora…”
“You’ve still got three months to think it over.”
I looked down at the bread crumbs on the tablecloth and started crushing them with my fingertip.
“I don’t even know if I’ll stay in Madrid. I really have no idea what I’m going to do.”
She shook her head and grinned as she studied my face. “Can I give you some advice?”
“Of course.”
Squeezing my hand tight, she said, “Don’t follow anyone. Especially not a man. If you’re on the same path, fine, walk it together. But if you aren’t, as much as it hurts, you need to find your own way.”
Her words made me shiver. “Why do you say that?”
“Because you deserve a life that belongs to you! Time passes, Maya. It doesn’t stop, and it doesn’t turn back. It only goes in onedirection: forward. And one day you’re my age and all you can do is look back. Now when you do that, what would you like to see?”
I remembered something she said to me one day, how vehemently she had uttered it, and I repeated it back to her. “I want to be the hero of my own story, not a bit actor in the stories of others.”
“Exactly. No matter how much Lucas means to you, you can’t base your choices on the role he’s going to play in your life. Only you can decide where you’ll go and when, and who you want to be. And as for Giulio, don’t forget that your right to know matters as much as his right to ignore the truth. And there’s nothing wrong with being a little selfish in a situation like that.”
I thought her words over, started seeing myself through her eyes, started realizing that we all have to make our place in the world, and saw that I had been waiting for other people to do that for me. I had thought that the past three months had changed me, that I was a new Maya, a different one, but it wasn’t true. What I’d thought life was—something easy, something that was in my hands—was a mirage.
I felt edgy all afternoon, and when I got home, I kept walking back and forth unsure whether to stand, sit, or what. All I could think about was that feeling of tension that was growing inside me.
Then the doorbell rang.
I looked at the clock. It was almost seven. I assumed it was Lucas, that maybe he’d forgotten his keys. He was a little late, but that was fine. We still had plenty of time to get ready and go to Matías’s place.
I unlocked the door and opened up, and my blood froze in my veins as I saw Claudia in the hallway. “Is Lucas here?” she asked.
Hello to you, too,I thought.
“No.”
She glared at me and said, “It’s OK, I’ll wait.” Then she tried to walk in, but I stood in her way, instinctively, as if doing so were a way of defending myself.
“Sorry, I’ve got to go out,” I told her.
“And?”
