Home.
That word was like an arrow in my flesh.
She sent me greetings and good wishes from Catalina, Marco, andeveryone else. I had to dry my tears with my sweater sleeve. I took for granted thateveryone elsedidn’t include Giulio and Dante. It was childish of me to even hope it might. It made me think maybe they’d kept what had happened between us secret, and I didn’t know if I liked that or not. A part of me wanted everything to explode, to come out, so I could get out from under the weight that was crushing me. Of course, I could make that happen, but I was incapable of taking the step on my own.
49
I had just emerged from the shower when the doorbell rang. I took the bathrobe down from the hook on the door and threw it on. Lucas was still asleep, and I didn’t want anyone to wake him. Or so I thought until I turned the doorknob and heard a woman’s voice.
“I just want to see you.”
“Claudia, I told you I needed time.”
“I know, Lucas, but it’s been two years. Isn’t that time enough?”
“You can’t keep doing this, always imposing on me like this. I’m not going to allow it.”
“I’m not imposing,” Claudia said. “I just want us to talk. It can’t be that hard, Lucas.”
I cracked the door a little wider and heard Lucas respond, “Actually it is that hard. So look, Iwillhave this conversation with you, but Iwon’tdo it right now. Understand?”
“No, I don’t understand,” she insisted. “Lucas, do it for me, please, for all that we’ve shared. Give me a chance… Let’s go out to eat. Just listen to me. I’m not asking you for something impossible.”
“Maybe, but you don’t have a right to ask me for anything.”
“I know I didn’t treat you right. I know what I did was horrible,and I regret it every single day. But I learned my lesson. I swear. Losing you…losing you was the worst…”
“I can’t do this again,” he interrupted her. “I can’t let you come back into my life and try to make my whole world revolve around you.”
“It’s not that,” Claudia said. “I know that would be pointless.”
“What is it, then?”
“I want you to forgive me. I want us to be friends the way we were before. At least to try. I’ve changed, Lucas, and I want to show you that.”
“You don’t have to show me anything, just respect what I say.”
“I am. I will. I did for two years. I accepted that you were gone, and I admitted my mistakes. But you’re here now, and…if only you knew how excited I was when your mother called and told me you were back! I’ve been waiting for this opportunity forever.”
“Well, then, you can wait a little longer.”
I heard the front door opening, and I held my breath, waiting for her to go. I was tired of her whiny, cloying voice and I wanted her as far from Lucas as possible. But no, I heard her again, “Why is it so hard for you to do this one little thing for me?” She was so irritating that I wanted to scream.
“Because I don’t love you anymore,” he responded calmly. And I knew I couldn’t stay on the sidelines anymore. She wouldn’t give up even if he screamed in her face and threw her out by force.
I walked out of the bathroom and down the hall with a sure step, and when I rounded the corner, I saw her: tall, with straight blond hair and bangs. Her eyes were honey-colored, and she had dimpled cheeks. She was wearing a snug red dress, short, and matching high heels. She was beautiful. I hadn’t realized she’d be so pretty, and that made me conscious of what I must look like then, in a bathrobe three sizes too big with my hair still damp and unbrushed.
Claudia looked me over smugly, then turned back to Lucas asthough I didn’t even deserve her attention, and she snapped, “Fine, I’ll go, but call me, please. I still have the same number. I’m sure you remember it, even if you deleted it from your phone. I miss you. A lot.” She rested a hand on his bare chest, and he stepped back. Then she walked out, her shoes sounding like firecrackers on the floor of the hall.
Lucas shut the door and looked at me red-faced with countless emotions in his eyes. He rubbed the back of his neck, then stretched back both arms.
“That was Claudia,” he said. I nodded, wanting to vomit.
I told him I was going to dress, and I stood there confused, trying to contain myself. Then I walked back into the bathroom and tried to hold back the tears.
I wonder now if it was right of me not to say more. If things would have gone differently if I’d told him everything I thought then instead of remaining silent.
I think now of all the details I decided to ignore. How I let him walk alone, lost, when he must have needed me to be his compass. But how could I guide him when I didn’t know where I was either?
