I didn’t know what to say, and I didn’t want to judge him. So I limited myself to remarking, “It must have been very hard for you, living like that.”
“It’s easy. You just turn into an asshole and you stop thinking about anything but yourself.” His voice was as fragile as rice paper.
“Don’t say that.”
“No? Think about it. A week ago you thought I was a piece of trash.”
I felt bad and turned away.
“I’m sorry, Harper. I didn’t mean…”
I couldn’t see his expression, and I was glad, because that meant he couldn’t see what I was feeling then, either. A tear streamed down my cheek.
“I know. It’s fine. It’s true,” I said. “But I don’t see you that way anymore.”
He hugged me tight and rocked me softly back and forth beneath that black velvet sky and the stars that shone like pearls. I don’t know how much time passed before he spoke again. “So at the end of my second year of college, in the summer, I went home for a few days. I remember I was just about to go to San Francisco with some friends. My dad and I got into an argument; I don’t remember why. It got heated and he ended up blurting out the truth. How he’d lied to me about my mother and how she’d never left. He had forced her to go. He’d threatened her, blackmailed her, lied to her… He did everything he could to get her away from me. After that, I couldn’t stop thinking of her. I did some investigating and found out she lived here with my grandfather and Elaine. But a year passed until I gathered the courage to call. We only talked for a few minutes. I didn’t know what to tell her.”
My heart ached for him as he stroked my back distractedly. I wanted to say something, to console him somehow as he tried to pull himself together. But I didn’t know how.
“She wanted us to see each other. She told me she had a heart problem and she couldn’t travel anymore. I think she invited me to visit lots of times, but I always made some excuse. Time passed, and I kept telling myself that next time, I’d do it. But the feelings my father had provoked with his lies still ran deep, and something in me refused. She died four months later. The same night you and I…”
He let me go, stood up, and walked a few feet away. I let him. But the thread that united us kept getting tenser, and finally I couldn’t resist the pull. I came up behind him and hugged him. My hands joined at his chest, and he covered them with his own.
“I still haven’t forgiven myself,” he said.
“Trey…”
“I don’t think I ever will.”
“Don’t torture yourself, please.”
“It’s just…life changes from one moment to the next, and we know that, but somehow it’s so hard to figure out what that means. I was an idiot, you know? All I thought about was myself. But then I lost my mother, and what I felt… I just don’t know if I can describe it. I came to Lennox for the first time for her funeral, and I discovered this place. I sat right here on this rock and stared at this same shore. And I realized what an asshole I’d been. And I understood what it meant when we say nothing lasts, Harper. Everything can change at the drop of a hat, everything can end in the blink of an eye, and you have to take advantage of every moment.”
Happiness and sorrow are so close that sometimes you can feel both of them at once. And I did then. I was happy because I was with him, and I felt special when he shared his secrets with me. But I also felt sad because I saw him wounded, struggling with his demons, and there was nothing I could do.
He reached up and touched my face.
“I feel like a bad person for the way I acted with my mother, and I understand if you—”
“You’re insane if you think I’d leave you for what you just told me.”
“I run away, Harper. It’s a bad habit. I wouldn’t blame you for wondering if I’ll do it again.”
“How many ways do I have to tell you this? I’m not going anywhere, and I feel certain that you aren’t, either. You could have vanished at any moment, but here you are.”
“I’m still here.”
“You’re still here.”
“You too.”
“Yeah.”
“And us both being here, that means something,” he said pensively.“Do you think you’re ready?” His voice, his attitude changed. The bad boy who melted my heart was back.
“I might be.” I pulled him tight to me and asked, “What exactly is that something you’re talking about, though?”
I could see the stars in his eyes. The stars, and not much else.
