“Just a kiss,” he repeated softly.
“Just one little bitty kiss.”
I felt his lips on my forehead, his hot breath tickling me, and I started to melt. He ran his other hand down my back, moved downward, kissed me on the cheek. On the ear. Traced out a path down my jawline. I closed my eyes, absorbing all of it: the gentleness, the wariness, the perfection of that instant.
I didn’t care if it was right or wrong.
He stopped on my lips. He was going to kiss me. He really was. I had to grab onto that stupid lace-up shirt he was wearing to keep from falling over as I waited for it to happen.
His mouth brushed against mine, just a bit. And then it came: he took the leap, and he was there next to me, floating in the abyss. He clutched the back of my neck and covered my lips with his. Therewas no hesitation, only determination. He held me as though he was scared to let me go.
He tasted like alcohol, tobacco, and something sweet. And in an instant, he became my favorite flavor.
I stood on my tiptoes and wrapped my arms around his neck. He pressed into me stubbornly. There was no turning back. I had dreamed of this so many times, and I wouldn’t let anything stop me from getting what I wanted now that it was finally happening. Not my insecurities, not my fears. Not my utter lack of experience.
Because I was just a girl, and love is complicated. And there’s no instruction manual to help you understand it.
His caresses became bolder, his hands reaching parts of me no one had ever touched before. I didn’t stop him. I couldn’t, and I didn’t want to. There are risks that are worth it. I pulled him closer. Closer, and closer still. I convinced myself that what we were doing was real.
There are gaps in my mind. I don’t know how we went from standing up to lying in bed. I tried to memorize each second of it, but he distracted me with his soft fingers and the little noises escaping his throat. And the way he gazed at me, as though he’d never seen anything like me in his life. His hands exploring every inch of my body tenderly; the hunger, the emotion in his kisses.
I trembled when his naked body covered mine. From desire. From lust.
I could see a question in his eyes. Without speaking, I answered yes. He looked at me for an eternity, and I saw an infinity reflected in him, everything, even those shadows that had caused my heart to pause.
But then our mouths touched, and I let myself go.
I wanted to give everything to him, and he accepted. Timid, delicate, contained. Our bodies joined. It was perfect, absolute, complete, profound. And I cried. The pain I felt made it so real. I had given up before, years ago, when I was innocent and a dreamer and gave himthat first piece of my heart. Now I was offering him the last, with open arms. Now I was entirely his.
We lay there, saying nothing, his hand on my belly, his head on my arm. Then he fell asleep. The party was still going on downstairs.
I wondered if my brother and sister were looking for me. But I didn’t care. I just wanted to stare at his face, so relaxed, hear his measured breaths, watch his eyes shifting beneath his eyelids. Imagine he was dreaming of me.
The sun started to rise, and the walls brightened. I woke with a powerful urge to go to the bathroom. I got up noiselessly and looked for my clothes. I was getting dressed when Trey moaned. He sounded like he was in agony. He sat up, trying not to fall over, leaning against his pillows.
That’s when he saw me.
His eyes were bloodshot as he looked me over, and I felt so uncomfortable I had to cover up. Even before his lips moved, I knew everything he was going to say—knew his questions, his doubts, the terror that had overtaken him.
He jumped up and ran toward me.
Then the shouts began. The words that were hard as fists. The unbearable cruelty of his coldness. After everything I had given him.
That wasn’t Trey. That wasn’t the guy I knew, the guy I had slept with. Or maybe it was him, more than ever.
What the hell do you think you’re doing here?
Get the fuck out of here.
You’re just a little girl. Don’t you understand what could happen?
Are you trying to get me in trouble?
Don’t ever come near me again.
And I could do nothing. I couldn’t even react as he grabbed my arm and threw me out of his room.
12
