“Fine. You’re a douchebag, and for all I care, you can go outside and stand there till a lightning bolt splits you in half. Feel better now?”
He chuckled and I turned away to keep from letting his eyes hypnotize me. No matter how many times I’d reproached him inmy mind, no matter how thin the line was between love and hate, no matter how many times I’d jumped back and forth over it, torn between attraction and contempt, I couldn’t help what I was feeling now. I laughed along with him.
“I need you to tell me,” he said, gazing at me intently.
“What?”
“What happened that night. Everything.”
I nodded, even though what I was thinking wasno.
I had never talked about that with anyone. I had kept it to myself like a humiliating secret, and it was so shameful that just the memory of it brought blood into my cheeks. For some stupid reason, I’d convinced myself that if I just ignored it, if I never shared it with anyone, it would disappear, and it would be like it never happened.
But it didn’t.
I never managed to leave it behind.
Not the memories.
Not the desire.
For him.
October 31. Halloween. Four years earlier.
The news had opened up a hole inside me. He was going to America. MIT had let him into its architecture program, and he hadn’t hesitated to say yes to finishing his degree there. I wasn’t happy for him. I couldn’t be. It meant that for the next three years, there would be hundreds of miles between us.
I wouldn’t see him anymore, even if I hadn’t seen him often before then, and the thought of it killed me. Those brief moments when we crossed paths had meant everything to me.
I was a girl and I acted like it: dramatic, silly, immature. I couldn’taccept an unrequited love. I was as invisible to him as all the girls he slept with. Even more. And they had gotten something I could only dream of: knowing what his lips tasted like. Even knowing he’d gotten around didn’t stop me from hoping pathetically that something would happen between us one day, too.
And one day he noticed me.
One day, he actually looked at me.
That day, I would be brave, for both of us.
That day, I would become his entire world.
That day ended up being a catastrophe.
Hoyt and Scott had organized a farewell gathering for Trey in their dorm in Vancouver. It would take place on October 31, three days before his departure, and that would be my one chance to see him. I used all my savings to buy a plane ticket.
Once my morning classes were over, I caught a plane to Vancouver. Hoyt was waiting for me at the airport. When I arrived, we went straight to his place.
I was excited, but also nervous. I’d never been to a college party before. I’d never been to any party since I’d turned eighteen. Really, this was my first party, period, because I’d never been the kind of popular girl with friends who got invited to everything. More like the opposite.
So maybe, just maybe, my expectations were too high.
And that made my downfall hurt that much more.
I didn’t usually wear makeup apart from a little mascara and lipstick, and even that was just once in a while. But that night, I did myself up. Eye shadow, blush, lip liner, everything to accentuate the sexy angel costume I’d bought that morning at a shop in Queen West. At first, I worried it was excessive. Maybe a little too provocative. But that was what I was going for, wasn’t it? To get Trey’s attention. And to do that, I needed to look like the grown woman I thought I was.
I smiled when I saw myself in the mirror. My thin white dressgripped my body and showed off what I might flatteringly call my curves. I donned the little wings and tried to gather my courage. I was getting more and more nervous with each minute that passed.
I walked outside and down the stairs, clutching the handrail tightly. Some guys were gawking at me. That helped my confidence a bit. One of them walked over to the bottom step and looked up. He didn’t have time to say hi, though, because my brother came up behind him and pushed him out of the way.
“What the hell are you wearing?”
