“You really are serious.”
“Yes, dammit, yes! The last thing I remember about the nightbefore is my grandfather calling to tell me my mom had died of a heart attack. I felt like the worst son in the world. I was a coward, a jerk, someone incapable of facing my problems, so I got drunk to keep from thinking and I smoked Preston’s entire stash of weed. After that, everything’s a black hole.”
I knew he was telling the truth, and this realization threw the whole world off its axis. I had no idea his mother had died. I hadn’t even known she’d existed for him. As long as I’d known him, he’d lived with his dad, and he’d never mentioned any other family members.
“I’m not lying to you, Harper.”
I believed him. So I told him the truth. “We slept together that night, Trey.”
“Come on, that’s not funny.”
“I’m not kidding.”
“No. That can’t be true.”
“It is. We slept together. That’s why I was in your room with no clothes on.” I stopped trying to hold back the tears. “It was my first time.”
A nightmare gathered around me as Trey took in my response. I had no idea what he was thinking. I had never seen anyone’s expression change so quickly, from bitterness to sorrow to shame…
So I waited. I waited for him to face up to the challenge my words presented. I watched him try to put the pieces together, struggling to remember but unable to. Endless emotions tussled on his face as he tried to find reasons not to believe me.
But he couldn’t. He did believe me. I could tell. And now he was lost. My words had been a spark. And now there was a fire burning inside him.
He couldn’t even look at me as he walked out the front door. Before I could react, he disappeared into the darkness, into the storm.
11
Not the Memories. Not the Desire.
With the passing of time, I learned that life is just a sequence of moments. Just that. Some mean nothing, others change everything. Life is unpredictable, and the fact that we were both there just then showed it. It was a mere coincidence, but it wound up becoming a turning point.
I stood there staring, trying to process what had just happened. My thoughts changed color, shape, tenor. I had imagined that conversation taking place many different ways, in many different places, but the reality had been utterly unexpected.
I had built four years of my life around something that had never existed. I’d put up a wall of resentment and disappointment, adding bricks to it day after day. Calling it a misunderstanding was too trivial, because part of who I was now was because of what happened that morning in Trey’s room. A buildup of circumstances that had led to disaster.
There was no way to get distance, a perspective on his reality and mine. They were so mixed up that it was impossible to say where one began and the other ended. But there was a crack, and feelings were seeping through it, feelings I’d been carrying around for years and that were getting heavier with each passing day.
Feelings I didn’t know how to deal with.
Didn’t know how to face.
And that I couldn’t just keep bottled up.
He’d left the door open, and the wind was blowing in the rain. I hurried over to shut it. I looked out the window, consumed by worry. Where the hell did he think he was going in that weather?
So many hours passed that I lost track of time. My nerves kept getting more frayed. This situation was ridiculous. I had come to that house to find myself, and now I felt more lost than ever.
I buttoned up my sweater and listened to the crackle of the dying fire before going to the kitchen for more candles. When I returned, Trey was in the doorway, wet and shaking. The shadows under his eyes were so dark, I couldn’t see the bright amber glow of his irises. I crossed my arms, first relieved that he’d made it back, then angry that he’d left in the first place.
“Have you lost your mind? How could you do such a thing in this weather? Where the hell were you?” I shouted.
“I’m sorry.”
“You had me worried!”
“I’m sorry.”
“You already said that.”
