It was a party, dammit, and there I was looking pathetic!
The problem was that I struggled to have fun when my senses were on alert. It’s like when you walk down a dark street and you don’t dare look back because you’re afraid there’s someone creeping up behind you…
“You feel like a dance?”
I looked up at Dustin with disdain. I was angry with him for allowing my father to seat us at the same table. Angry because he was still pretending we were together. Angry because he was acting like I was a sad little girl who didn’t know what was best for her. And angry with myself, above all, for not knowing how to put him in his place.
“I don’t want to dance at all, and certainly not with you.”
“Come on, Harper, try and make an effort. You’ve been ignoringme all night, and it’s starting to feel nasty. People are noticing,” he whispered in my ear.
That was true. My sister’s friends were very interested in what was going on. That was understandable: the tension between us was palpable.
I wanted to get up and run out. So I did. I said a softsorryand went off to find somewhere I could relax and put back together the shattered pieces of my mask of happiness. The fact is, whether our situation is good or bad depends on our perspective, and my perspective was unstable, shifting constantly between highs and lows. Sometimes I was calm, sometimes frantic. My whole life was that way, and it was exhausting.
Up all of a sudden.
Down just as fast.
On my way across the garden, I felt as though the waves were dragging me out to sea.
“When are you going to stop being so irresponsible?”
Dustin had followed me out there.
I needed a few seconds to take in his words. Then I turned around and gave him a stare that could have struck him dead. “What did you say?”
“Come on, Harper. This was funny at first, and I even found it attractive, you being so rebellious. But now you’re taking it too far.”
I tried to control my nausea and my urge to explode. Then again, I thought, I could just puke all over his designer shoes. I guess things weren’t going bad for him if he could afford them. “I’m taking it too far?”
“It’s been months now. You’ve made your point. Now it’s time to take your future seriously.”
“What future?”
“What do you mean, what future?” he said, as if I were an idiot. “Your future, our future…our family’s future.”
“Our family? You mean the Westons?Myfamily?” I didn’t try to hide my sarcasm.
He knit his brows and his ears reddened. I could see the muscles tensing in his jaw. “Yeah. I mean, no.” He looked exasperated. “You understand perfectly what I mean.”
With a humorless smile, I placed my hand dramatically over my heart. “Of course I understand. You made it perfectly clear the last time you called me, and the time before that, and the time before that… And the response is still the same. I’m not getting engaged to you, Dustin. I’m not getting married. I’m not going to turn myself into your baby factory to guarantee you a spot at my father’s firm kissing his ass for the rest of your life.”
He went pale.
“That’s not what I…”
“Isn’t it?”
“No! What the hell’s up with you? We were good together!”
“According to you we were. And it did work back when you were fun and had principles and wanted to be a good person and save the world. Back when you respected my ideas and understood my aspirations and wanted to be with me. With me alone.”
“That’s still what I want,” he said, reaching out toward me and stepping forward.
I blew him off. He didn’t understand me, not because he didn’t want to, but because he couldn’t. He never had been able to, even if there was a time in our relationship when I thought otherwise.
“Don’t make me laugh, Dustin, and don’t take another step, because I’m about to puke all over your pretty little suit.”
