Because that’s what Trey Holt had been for me: an earthquake, a natural disaster, a hurricane, a volcano spitting lava, the perfect storm. I had survived it.
I had lived to tell the story.
“The free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it—basically because you feel good, very good, when you are near or with them.”
—Charles Bukowski,Tales of Ordinary Madness
34
The Gift
I thought I might fall over dead with every step I took on the bridge from PEI to Lennox Island. I didn’t know if I deserved his forgiveness—probably not. And maybe that wasn’t even what I wanted. I just knew I needed to tell him the things I really felt that night, months before, when I broke his heart and pulverized mine.
I couldn’t keep it all inside. If I did, I’d never move forward. And I had to. With or without him.
The cool air in my lungs roused me. The sun was rising over the trees, but beneath the branches, the fog in the woods refused to lift. My feet sank in mud. My nerves were making me nauseated.
The door opened.
Nicholas was sitting on the porch with the same expression I remembered from before. He was smoking his pipe and blowing smoke from his lips. I noticed the strange shapes it made before it dissipated, paused, and tried to smile as best I could.
“Good morning. I’m not sure if you remember me. I was here a few months ago. I’m Harper, Hoyt’s sister. I’m looking for your grandson, and I was wondering if…” Before I could finish, Nicholas exhaled more smoke and pointed to the corner of the house.
“Thanks,” I said.
I walked around the back of the cabin, saw the camper, and felt my throat close up. Then a ball of gray hair hurried out and leapt at me. I opened my mouth to shout but couldn’t when its sticky, grainy tongue started licking me all over. I tried to turn away, shouting, “Stop! Stop! Sisuei, that’s enough!” I was laughing all the while.
The dog moaned with joy and kept jumping around me, tongue flapping out, pressing his muzzle into me. I kneeled down, reached out, and hugged him, sinking my nose into his soft fur. He was so pretty.
“Hey, big guy, who’s a big boy, you’re a big boy, aren’t you?” I said, holding his head so I could look in his eyes and scratching him behind the ears. He really had grown.
He barked once and tried to lick me again, and I responded with more pets, hugs, and kisses. Then I felt Trey behind me.
I stood and turned, slowly, trying to keep my legs from trembling.
Trey was there in the middle of the clearing, wearing nothing but a pair of half-buttoned jeans. He was barefoot and had a towel slung over his shoulders. He was breathing hard, and his eyes were full of questions.
I whispered his name: “Trey.”
He stepped toward me, but then stopped as if scared. I looked past him. The girl I saw him with that night appeared behind him with two cups of coffee.
Time stopped when I looked back at him, and any hope I might have harbored vanished like mist scattered by the wind.
I’d lost him. I really had.
It’s not that I hadn’t known the possibility was there; I’d imagined every possible version of the story. But still, the confirmation was like a blow to the stomach. I looked at him, and he looked at me. I tried to say something. I’d had a whole speech prepared, but now it was meaningless. I pursed my lips, tried to gather all the courage I had in me, and did what I came there to do. Tell it straight.
“I know it’s too late. I know I ruined everything between us. Butthere’s something you need to know. I was wrong. I messed up a lot of things, and I regret all of them. I pushed you out of my life when you were the most important person in it. I gave you up. I lost you, and now it’s killing me. You made me realize who I truly am. You helped me to feel again and to want things I’d never have allowed myself to want on my own.”
His face was the very picture of uncertainty. I saw his Adam’s apple move up and down as he swallowed, and there was so much vulnerability in that gesture that I felt even weaker. I continued.
“I miss you so much on some days that it feels like I can barely move. I’m sorry I sacrificed what we had. Especially because it was for nothing. It’s hard, and it hurts, and on some days, I think the pain will never go away. I’m not perfect, Trey, and I never will be. That’s the truth of it. I failed you, and I failed myself, and now I have to live forever with the thought of what things would be like if I’d acted differently.” My voice cracked. “You were right, I’m like a riddle without a solution.”
I looked at the woman, then back at him.
“I’m sorry if I’m putting you in a difficult situation, but I need to be selfish and impulsive for once in my life and get all of this out so that I can move ahead. I know what I did, I had my reasons, they were wrong, and now here we are. It’s possible I’ll make a mistake again, that I’ll be weak, that I’ll have doubts and insecurities. It’s happened thousands of times already. I’m just like that and I don’t know if I’ll ever change because it’s who I am. And that’s the truth. But I know I’ll always put myself together again, and I know this new version of me is better than the old one. I’m happier, I’m more alive, and I’m more in love…with you.”
I sniffled and wiped away my tears.
